


Rise Up (Second Chances)

by TooManyShips99



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, But i really wanted this so, Eliza is such a mom character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, I just love her, Im sorry this is just another cliché reincarnation AU, Just adding tags as I go, M/M, Mild Smut, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Not Completely Historically Accurate, Panic Attacks, Pining, Rating May Change, So yeah, Stalking, Still, The truly horrible stuff won't be detailed because I can't to that, Ugh, actually just one but, additional tags will probably be added, but its like, death mentions, definite angst, dont mind me, hinted at - Freeform, i don't know how to tag, i have no life, im soooo sorry guys, im sorry, im trash, lots of fluff, new characters will probably be added, possible angst, rape mention, self hate, stalkers, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-03-02 17:34:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13323093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyShips99/pseuds/TooManyShips99
Summary: John Lawrence has never felt so alone. A year ago he regained his memories of his life before this one. The revolution, his friends, and his death. And Alexander. He hasn't found anyone he knew before and he's worried he's the only one who came back. That is until he ends up roommates with someone so familiar it makes his heart ache.I'm sorry, I'm really bad with summaries. It doesn't help that the inspiration hit at 3 am.





	1. The Past (Prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what I'm doing with this yet. I started another fic in a completely different fandom and I don't think I can finish it right now so I shall begin this one. I'll do what I can to get the characters right. Definitely not the most accurate story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the only chapter im writing in first person. The rest should be in third person. Im so sorry this chapter is so short but i promise the next one will be longer.

I remember the first time I met him.

He was beautiful, full of life and passion. I was with my friends Lafayette and Hercules and then he was just there. He started speaking and I was instantly drawn in. At the time I just thought he was beautiful; it was a simple thought and that was it.

As time passed, however, things started getting more complicated. He fit in easily with the rest of us, our desire to fight bringing us together. The revolution was inevitable, looming over our heads and in the midst of that hurricane, I was beginning to face a storm of my own.

My thoughts of him began to change, evolving from just "he's beautiful" as a passing thought to "I want to be with him more" and then "I want him." Back in the 1700s this was not exactly a good situation to be in. I was terrified. So of course I never told him. How could I? He was a wonderful friend and there was no hope for us anyway.

The war started and I pushed those feelings as far down as I could. It worked well enough, because I had my own mission.

 

For a while anyway.

 

The winter's ball brought everything back to the surface as I watched him flirt and dance his way around the room. Never once a glance at me. Of course, it wasn't a surprise. But that didn't stop the ache from spreading throughout my very being. I knew that his life would be better with a girl. And yet it took so much to hide the jealousy and frustration welling up inside of me. I remember thinking, _this world is so unfair!_ But I still managed to smile at him wholeheartedly because this wasn't his fault.

More time passed and he's asking me to be his best man at his wedding. The fissures in my heart got deeper but I couldn't say no. At the wedding I did my best to keep a brave face as Eliza walked down the isle to him, her full of grace and he with a face full of happiness. Many cried tears of joy; little did anyone know that mine were of a different origin. But I carried on because he deserved all the happiness in the world.

There were many letters from him throughout this time period that gave me the feeling I may have been more to him. But it was something neither of us could ever pursue. So I stayed by his side as his closest friend until the very end.

 

On the 27th of August, 1782, I died.

It was unexpected and it hurt. I had so much I wanted to do. Everything ended before it even truly began.

And all I could think was I will never get to see my dear Alexander Hamilton again.

 

 

236 years after and I am born again.


	2. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John unpacks and and is reunited with some old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this chapter is much longer than the last. I'm apologizing in advance for any potential shifts in point of view. I've never written in third person or past tense before so this is proving a challenge. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. :)

It was so hard to breath. John's heart was racing and he flinched at the sound of gunfire, blood flashing in his vision. He's running, running, more shots are fired, then darkness.

John Lawrence woke up with a gasp, the adrenaline still pumping through his veins as he heard more loud bangs in his waking world. He practically threw himself out of bed, instinctively reaching for a gun when he noticed the heavy rain and the bright flashes of light outside his window. He sighed deeply, realizing it was just a storm. He ran a hand through his hair in order to attempt to calm himself.

As he waited for his heart to slow down he glanced around his cluttered room. He wasn't a messy person but he'd just moved into the dorm and there were boxes that hadn't been emptied. He had moved in as early as possible for this semester, an excuse to get out of his house under the watchful eye of his homophobic father. Just his luck he got that both lifetimes.

He looked at the clock and saw that it was only 7 am. He glared slightly at the clock because he didn't need to be up that early. He contemplated going back to bed but he was too awake for that to be a possibility. He decided he should just get an early start to the day. He picked up a shirt from one of the boxes as well as a pair of sweatpants. Today he was going to unpack. He set to work, methodically opening a box and placing things in drawers, on dressers, in the closet.

He had gotten halfway through the boxes when he got to one filled with books. He paused, pulling out a book on the revolution. Flashes of his dream flickered behind his eyes, the sounds ringing in his ears. He gently put the book down and something else in the box caught his eyes.

He peered into the box and pulled out a small, worn envelope. He felt that familiar ache deep in his chest as he dragged his finger softly along the paper. The front of the envelope read " _to my dearest Laurens_." The letter that was once held inside was long lost so this was all he could have as a reminder of what he had lost and what could never have been. He placed it gently in a protective box and then in the bottom of a drawer.

A year ago, he woke up to the knowledge that he had had another life. He'd been having different dreams and feelings months before until it finally clicked.

His name was John Laurens. And he had died in battle before he could accomplish what he had wished. Now, the world was different. His desire to end slavery had finally been seen to, although it took a while (and there's still some discrimination).

There were other types of battles now, like trans rights and saving the ocean (more importantly, the turtles). He did what he could, attending rallies and taking classes to help end discrimination and unjust wages. One of the most interesting things of this age was that now there were gay couples holding hands on the street. It still got some dirty looks from time to time but it was so much easier for people like him to just live.

Except for him because his father just happened to be one of the people who hates anyone not cis gendered and straight.

John finished putting the last of his stuff away and then decided to lay on his bed and surf the Internet. He didn't have any close friends so he had no where to be. So far, he was the only one he knew who had come back from the revolution.

It was lonely.

John passed the time by scrolling through Facebook, looking at other protests, and reading. By noon his stomach began to growl. He got up to find some food and cursed under his breath because there was nothing to eat. He had completely forgotten to go grocery shopping. He changed into jeans, pulled on his favorite blue hoodie, and set out.

The streets were still fairly new to him so he wasn't sure where everything was. He found himself at a strip center with a small grocery store and some clothes shops. Around the corner he saw an almost quaint coffee shop.

Curious, he put grocery shopping aside for now in turn for checking it out. He walked in and he heard tiny bells jangling as the door was opened and then closed. He looked around, taking in the mixture of colors. The walls had a light beige coffee color and there were mint green curtains pulled aside from the windows. He got to the counter and scanned the menu for something that sounded good. He ordered and then made his way to a booth in the back corner, taking out a book because it felt like a great place to read.

Before he could get engrossed in the book he heard the bell jangling again followed by a loud, heavily accented voice. "Hey hey hey everyone- your favorite Frenchman, Gilbert is here!!!!" John looked up. In front of him was a tall guy with a big, poofy bun. Behind him was someone dark with a round, friendly face, laughing and shaking his head.

He felt this tingling sensation, as if there was a small bit of electricity running through him as the tall guy's eyes met his own for a second before he reverted his attention back to the cashier. _I know him. But who? Is he from back then?_

Gilbert picked up his friend's drink and his own drink and then slightly jerked his head towards John. Suddenly they were both making their way over to his booth and he wasn't sure how to react. _I could be misreading but I swear I know them. Maybe I'm not alone after all._ "May we sit with you?" The deep voice of the darker guy snapped him out of his thoughts. He stared dumbly for a second longer before finding his voice.

"Oh, yeah. Sure."

He and Gilbert smiled as they slid in. "Soooo," the French guy started. "I'm Hercules Miller," his friend introduced himself, then pointed at tall bun guy. "This is Gilbert Morrison. I won't go into detail with his whole name. It's a bit of a mouthful." Gilbert winked at that. John looked back and forth between the two of them, recognition dawning on him. He realized that he hadn't introduced himself yet and smiled. "I'm John Lawrence. I have this feeling we've met before, though." The two across the table glanced at each other and smiled. "I knew it!!!" Gilbert cried out with obvious glee. "Where the hell have you been, Laurens?"

"Until now, I thought I was the only one back. It's so good to see you guys." He felt a warmth he hadn't felt in so long spread through him.

"Really?" Was Hercules's reply.

"Yeah. I've been awake for a year but I hadn't found anyone until now."

"Wow. That must've sucked."

"Yeah. It's really great to see you guys," he said warmly.

They spent the next few hours talking about their current lives. Gilbert told John to just call them Laf because they hated using Gilbert. Hercules talked about how much he loved technology. Apparently they were all going to be going to the same college, which filled John with relief because he really wouldn't be alone anymore.

He glanced at his phone and realized how late it was getting. "Oh crap. I still have to get food for my dorm. I'll catch you guys later," he said as he got up and grabbed his things, hurrying out the door.

\-----------------

"This guy sounds interesting."

John looked over at Lafayette who was currently sitting on the second bed in the dorm room poring over the different possible roommates. It had been a few days since their reunion and the other two had taken to taking over his dorm room because there was nothing else to do.

"It says he likes political debates and math."

John contemplated this for a second.

"Anything else?"

"He likes baking?"

John snorted. "Interesting?"

Lafayette sighed. "Well, he's more interesting than some of the others."

Before John could respond Hercules walked into the dorm with some takeout from the local Chinese place. "Foods's here," he grinned. He set the food on the small coffee table in the center of the room. Lafayette grabbed the food and passed John's to him. Hercules turned on the small TV and Lafayette continued looking through the applications as they ate, pausing occasionally to ask John about one or the other. Finally John got tired of it and just told them to pick whoever they think is best. After an hour they left, Lafeyette saying they'll turn in the application they picked.

John turned everything off and curled up in his bed with a book. It was the closest to peace he had felt in a while. Only one thing was missing and he decided it was okay to hope he'd find it soon.


	3. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza is mom and John meets his new roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have to say, I love Eliza so much. That is all. Enjoy :)

It was a week later and he had been told his roommate would be arriving tomorrow. He was trying to take his mind off the nervousness by joining another rally about trans rights in the park a few minutes away. He brought his rainbow megaphone and posters and was waving them around proudly. If it were back home this wouldn't have been a possibility.

He was shouting at the top of his lungs when he felt something slam into him from behind, knocking the megaphone out of his hand and nearly sending him face first into the grass. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" He turned to the girls voice to find a startlingly familiar pair of eyes directed at him. Her expression grew more and more worried before he realized he was just staring.

"Oh, yeah, I'm okay," he stuttered. Relief filled her gaze then was replaced by a glimmer of recognition. "John?" She asked hesitantly. _Crap. It's really her._

"Hey Eliza," he said with a small smile.

"I fucking knew it! Oh my god it's so good to see you! How have you been? Are you doing well? Are you eating properly? Do you-" John put up a hand to stop her. "Geez, slow down," he let out a light laugh. Ever the mom character. "Yeah, I'm doing okay. I found Hercules and Lafayette and I'm going to college and stuff. What about you?"

She grinned at him, lighting up her features like the sun. She's still so beautiful. "Oh I'm doing great! I still managed to have my two sisters. Peggy is nonbinary so I'm at the rally to support them. Oh and Angelica is overseas right now taking a year of classes abroad."

"Wow. Sounds like fun," he smiled at her, a little brighter because he could never dislike her, despite everything.

Her expression changed to that of a slightly thoughtful look. "So..... Have you, um," she started a little quietly, "have you seen him?" It took him a second before he realized what she was asking. The usual pang hit him in the chest. Lafayette and Hercules hadn't asked yet, probably because they knew how he had felt pack then. And how he feels now. "No," he tried to keep the sound of loss out of his voice, "I haven't seen him yet. I was sort of hoping you had."

"Oh." She looked at him kindly. "Well, I'll let you know if I see him. You do the same for me okay?"

"Yeah. I will. And I'll give him a nice punch to the face for you too. I heard what happened."

She giggled. "You don't have to do that, John. We made up. And besides, that was two centuries ago."

He smiled. "Fine. Just a punch on the arm for him. So he doesn't make that mistake again."

She grinned back. "Alright." A small person with curly dark hair came running over to them. "Eliza! I found the cutest girl and she asked for your number. Can I give it to her?" Eliza turned to look at them. "Which one is she, Pegs?" Peggy pointed at this tall girl with short brown hair and a tan. "Hmmm. Sure. What's her name?" As they talked about the girl, John thought about how much had changed. Not once in either life had he thought Elizabeth Schuyler (now Elizabeth Sawyer) would ever consider being attracted to a girl, yet here she was being open about it, winking at the girl who then blushed furiously. He smiled. This was becoming a beautiful world, even though it was still a bit flawed.

When Peggy ran back to the girl across the way John turned to Eliza. "So girls, huh?" He grinned. She laughed lightly, a small bit of pink dusting her cheeks. "Yeah. She's really cute! You can't blame me. It's not like you have any room to talk Mr. I'm-totally-straight-I-promise."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He tried to feign innocence. Eliza was having none of it. "Oh come off it," she scoffed, "You're about as straight as a rainbow slinky. Don't you try to deny it. You'll insult me." He stared at her with his mouth open, trying to think of a retort. Finally, he closed his mouth realizing it was hopeless to argue with her. "How did you figure it out? How long have you known?"

"Oh, a century or so. I wasn't blind, John. Alexander had a habit of attracting a lot of people."

He felt the color drain out of his face. "Y-you knew?" It came out as a hoarse whisper.

She looked at him apologetically. "Yeah, I knew. I wish things could have been different for you, you know. But guess what!" She said, brightening up. "Now that things are different, I'm going to make it my personal mission to get you two together."

"What? Why?"

She rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding? I think you two would be adorable together. Sure he was my husband, but do you have any idea how often I'd think 'God those two are so cute'? It just wasn't a possibility back then. But it is now and damnit, you two are going to kiss even if it takes years." He looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time. "You really are impossible to have a grudge against, you know that?" He said in a daze.

She grinned mischievously. "You know you love me." He smiled warmly. "How could I not? You truly are the best of women." They continued like that for hours, talking about the past, talking about the present. Only when he got back home did he remember that his roommate was coming tomorrow.

\--------------------------

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _Is he there yet???_

 **To Laf the Frenchgay:** _No, Laf. I told you I'd let you know when he arrived._

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _Yeah, but I'm excited to meet this guy. He sounded perfect. Maybe he and I will hit it off ;)_

 **To Laf the Frenchgay:** _I'll let you know. We can have lunch at the cafe if he feels like it. Or y'all can just come over. But I need to finish cleaning, so please shhhhhhh._

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _Ya'll? XD_

 **To Laf the Frenchgay:** _Seriously?_

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _Alright alright. I'll leave you to your cleaning._

John put his phone down on the nightstand by his bed and go back to work. It had been like that all morning. Lafayette just couldn't wait to meet this guy. They also refused to divulge what information they had on the guy so he himself was stuck completely clueless. Apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. As he finished up he decided to change into something a little less lazy and dirty. First impressions are always important. When he was done he sat back on his bed with a book. He had another hour at least. He was so zoned into his book he didn't notice the turn of the knob or the drop of stuff beside the second bed. It wasn't until he heard a small cough that he looked up. And right in front of him was honestly the cutest guy ever. He had these eyes full of energy and passion and these lips that seemed set in a permanent smirk that just spelled out mischief. And he had this slight scruff like he was trying really hard to grow facial hair and it just wasn't working very well and he still looked 100% beautiful. He jumped up when he realized he was staring. He held out his hand. "Hi! I'm John Lawrence. It's nice to meet you."

"Alexander Henderson," cute guy said, taking his hand, "you can call me Alex. I like your rally posters, by the way." He grinned. And then it clicked. It's him. Johns heart skipped a beat when the realization hit him. This was Alexander Hamilton. "Uh, thanks."

His phone dinged, breaking him out of his daze. He picked it up and read the text.

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _IS HE THERE???? I wanna meet him!_

John looked at Alex. "Do you want to go to the cafe here in town. It's cool if you don't but my friends really wanted to meet you." He smiled brightly. Shit he's beautiful. "Yeah, that sounds fun. Just let me put some stuff up first."

 **To Laf the Frenchgay:** _Yeah. He's going to unpack first and then we'll meet you guys at the cafe._

 **From Laf the Frenchgay:** _Yes! We'll be there!_

He put his phone in his pocket and began to help Alexander with his stuff. As they unpacked they talked. He found out that Alexander was a PoliSci major as well and that he had a huge passion for reading and writing (of course) and he also had a habit of talking too much. So basically he was the same as before. Except it seemed he had no idea who he was. John had asked if he believed in past lives and he said it was a possibility but he hadn't seen it before so he didn't know. When they finished they headed over to the cafe.

They walked in to find Hercules and Lafayette already there. Laf smiled and waved them over, looking Alex up and down with obvious attraction. Great. This should be fun. "Well hello gorgeous. You must be the new roommate," Lafayette grinned at him and took his hand in theirs. "It is a pleasure to meet you, _monsieur._ " John glared slightly at Lafayette but shoved the jealousy down as quickly as possible. _Geez, Laurens. Get it together._ "My name is Gilbert Morrison. Please just call me Lafayette or Laf. This guy," they jerked a thumb at Hercules, "is Hercules Miller, or Herc for short." Alex smiled at them. "I'm Alexander Henderson. It's nice to meet you." Hercules and Lafayette exchanged glances. "Alexander?" Hercules asked looking at John. John shook his head slightly, mouthing "we'll discuss it later." They sat at the table with their drinks and food and sat awkwardly, unsure of what to say. "So... What's your major, _mon ami?_ " Lafayette winked at Alexander. He smiled. "I'm a PoliSci and English double. I wanted to go into law but I couldn't decide between the two so eventually I just picked the double major idea."

"Ah, I'm a PoliSci and English major as well. I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other, no?" Lafayette gave their killer smile and John inwardly groaned. Jerk. "Tell us about yourself," Hercules joined in.

"Um, well, I love to read and write. I actually write a bit too much according to the people I've lived with before. I love protests and rallies and I hate judgmental pricks. Like, seriously, if a guy is going to kiss another guy, it isn't any of your business. If you don't like it, don't look. I have a habit of raising my voice and rambling because I'm very passionate about the things I believe in. Debates are my specialty, especially political debates. I like strategy games and word games and I am probably rambling agains o I'm just gonna stop." He breathed deeply, as if he hadn't taken a breath since he started talking. "You guys should just let me know if I'm talking too much otherwise I might go on for hours."

John laughed. "You're fine. We can get a bit loud too. We're all rally buddies." He smiled, looking relieved. "Okay. That sounds great." John found himself getting caught in his eyes again and had to look away, turning his attention to his food. "I'll be right back," Alex said getting up and making his way to the restroom. As soon as he was out of sight, Lafayette and Hercules turned swiftly to John. "That's him. It has to be him. I would know that smile anywhere. And the way he talks. Everything is the same," Lafayette looked at John expectantly. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's him. But he doesn't know it."

"What? Are you sure?" Hercules asked.

"I checked. I asked him if he believed in past lives and he said he wasn't sure."

"Damn. We have got to make him aware. We need our Revolutionary Crew back," Lafayette said quickly because Alexander was headed back towards them.

"Yeah. I just don't know how yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so i figured i needed to clear a thing up. Lafayette is in fact nonbinary. Its just, introducing them was hard at first. Once John knew who they were, he instantly reverted to they/them pronouns.


	4. Second Guessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander meets Eliza.

  
"Are you sure this is going to work?"

"No, but it's an option that we should take." John responded. Lafayette didn't look thoroughly convinced. Hercules looked even less convinced. "The revolution may have been important to us but I don't know if it was memory sparking." They were trying to get Alexander to "wake up" and decided that maybe a revolutionary war museum would help spark something. Of course, it was starting to seem more and more unlikely the further they got along. Alexander looked thrilled to be here which meant this may be harder than they originally though. He was running around almost like a kid staring at candy. Until now, they had no idea he was a revolutionary war enthusiast. He liked reading about it all the time apparently. He said that it was amazing how the founding fathers fought for and created the country they were now in.

John groaned inwardly as Alexander called them over to look at a not-so-accurate depiction of Lafayette fighting. "I had much more grace than that," they grumbled. "What?" Alexander looked at them, confused. "Ah, nothing. Not important. Anyway, you're really into this stuff, huh?" They mused.

Alexander's grin could kill the sun. "Yeah. I think the people of the past were really important. We wouldn't be here today without them after all. Everything was founded on this war." John hadn't expected for Alexander to be this into the revolution. While it was an important day in history, it wasn't the brightest time in their lives. It was filled with bloodshed and death. He relived this stuff enough in his sleep. He looked over at Hercules to see he was actually looking a little sick. Lafayette noticed this too and told John and Alex they'd be back, taking Hercules outside to breath. "Are they okay?" Alexander asked in concern. "Yeah, they'll be fine. Hercules just needed some fresh air." He looked a little less worried, but it didn't go away completely. "Okay. Well, is there something you wanted to see here?" He looked at John expectantly. "Ah, there's the, uh, Yorktown battle scene, I guess." He really hadn't seen that so it was the only somewhat interesting thing he could think of. They went to the exhibit and instantly John tried looking for a wax Alexander. After all, he was there. "Alexander Hamilton." John looked at Alex. "What about him?" He asked, silently hoping. "He was in this battle," Alex said quietly. "You know, he could have been great."

"Could have? He _was_ great. He did a lot of things for our country."

Alex snorted. "Yeah, but he was a jerk. He cheated on his wife and told the whole world. He basically let his son die. I mean, I get that things were a bit different but if your child comes into the house saying he's going to a shoot off, you don't give him your gun and say 'aim at the sky.' You tell him he's not going and settle it yourself like a father should. Philip should never have died over a few words said against his father." He said this with such passion John could actually hear the pain laced just beneath the surface. It was definitely his Alexander speaking. He just wasn't fully there yet. But the pain in his voice made John wonder if this was a good idea, trying to wake him. He had gone through a lot back then and from the sound of it, had hated himself plenty. He lightly touched Alexander on his shoulder. He looked at him, swirls of emotion bundled just beneath the surface of his eyes.

"Let's go home, Alexander."

All four of them got back to the dorms in relative quiet. There wasn't much to talk about, which was fine because John had his thoughts to tend to and he couldn't say them out loud with Alexander in the car. Alexander had found some paper and was writing like mad. Hercules still looked a little green and Lafayette was rubbing his back trying to keep him together. When they got into the dorms, Alexander said he needed a shower and left. The other three sat there on the beds and floor.

"So, that went well," Lafayette stated sarcastically.

"I wasn't expecting him to be a fan of that time period. I mean, I get it but usually that kind of thing would trigger bad memories. Especially for someone like him."

Hercules grunted. "He was way too excited to be there. Are we sure that's him?"

"I'm sure. We were at the battle of Yorktown display and he started talking about his old self pretty passionately. Except, it wasn't good. Maybe he doesn't remember because he doesn't want to."

Lafayette looked thoughtful. "That could be true," they said slowly.

"So wait, are we just going to leave him like this?" Asked Hercules incredulously.

"Why not?" John asked. "He sounded like he hated himself. Maybe it's better he just sticks with this new life only. He could have a second chance at everything."

Lafayette looked at him sadly. "Mon ami, do you know what that would mean?"

He sighed. "Yeah. He wouldn't know me." His chest hurt more thinking about it. "But he would be happy. And maybe that's best. Everyone deserves a second chance. Hell, Eliza gave him one back then, too."

They sighed resignedly. "I guess."

Alexander came back looking a little tired so the other two left for their own dorms. Classes started tomorrow so they needed their rest anyway.

John took his shower and came back to find Alex writing in his bed. "Wow. You really are non-stop huh." He said it like a statement. Alexander looked up with a small smile. "Writing keeps me calm. What about you? What do you do to stay calm?"

"I read a lot. And I create posters for rallies. Or sketch. Sketching is especially helpful." John climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. Alex snickered. "What?" John asked indignantly.

"Nothing. Just wasn't expecting a cute side." He grinned. John felt his face heating up and turned away with a scoff to hide his embarrassment and the unexpected happiness at his words. "Good night," he mumbled. "Good night," Alexander said softly.

\-----------------------

John woke up to see that Alexander wasn't there. Apparently his classes started earlier than his own on Mondays. He got up slowly and headed immediately for his mini fridge. He didn't have classes for another hour so he took his time eating then getting ready.

**From Mom Eliza:** _Hey! Guess who I have as a professor._

**To Mom Eliza:** _who?_

**From Mom Eliza:** _George Washington. Of course, now he's George Warrington, but still. I'm pretty sure it's him._

**To Mom Eliza:** _Holy crap. Really? What's he teaching?_

**From Mom Eliza:** _U.S. Government XD_

**To Mom Eliza:** _haha no way. Tell him John Laurens says hi._

**From Mom Eliza:** _Will do!_

**To Mom Eliza:** _Also, everyone was planning on meeting at the cafe for lunch.did you want to join us?_

**From Mom Eliza:** _Everyone being?_

**To Mom Eliza:** _The revolution gang._

**From Mom Eliza:** _Okay. I'll be there! <3_

**To Mom Eliza:** _Great! See you then._

John put the phone in his bag and set off for his first day in higher education.

\----------------------------

The cafe was a little busier than before and John assumed it was because school was now in session. Apparently it was a popular spot for other college students as well. John was there with Hercules and had already ordered everyone's food and drinks. The others were still on their way.

"So," he began as he and Hercules found a booth, "I invited Eliza to come sit with us since she has this lunch as well."

Hercules grinned. "She's cool. I didn't know you'd found her though. When was that?"

"Oh, at a rally several days ago. I completely forgot to mention it." He smiled apologetically.

"It's cool. Does she know Alexander is here?"

"Yes. She's been wanting to see him."

"Aren't you worried that might trigger something with him?"

John was about to reply when Alexander and Lafayette walked in.

"Hey!" Lafayette grinned broadly, sliding into the booth. "I just got out of U.S. Government with Alex. How was your first day?"

"Let me guess, you got professor Warrington." John could tell from the smile on Lafayette's face.

Alexander jumped in, "Yeah. He was amazing. You would have thought he knew the founding fathers personally with the detail he used. How'd you know it was him?"

"Lucky guess," John shrugged.

Alex grabbed his cup of triple shot espresso hell and launched into a debate with Hercules on why coffee was, in fact, the most important meal a day. They'd been having this argument for the past few days, Hercules insisting that he needed to slow down. John glanced at the door, begging silently for Eliza to show up and save him. When she walked through the door he thanked whatever higher power was up there as he waved her over. She smiled brightly and made her way over to them, pulling up a chair.

"Hello boys," she looked around the table, unsure of who the other three were.

"Guys, this is Elizabeth Sawyer. Eliza, this is Lafayette, Hercules, and Alexander," he said pointing to each person as he introduced them.

Her eyes widened for a split second on Alexander. Her smile brightened even more. She already knew he didn't remember so she didn't try to hug him or anything.

"You guys can call me Eliza," she grabbed her scone and her coffee.

"Eliza. That's a pretty name for a beautiful woman," Alexander grinned.

And cue the flirting. Of course.

"Aww your so sweet. I'm sorry to say your advances are not going to do much. You see, I have a very cute girlfriend," she winked at John.

"That's great! Is it the one from the rally?" He inquired.

"The very same."

Hercules and Lafayette looked with their mouths open. "I had no idea you had that side to you," Laf laughed.

Alexander laughed too. "I honestly just meant that as a compliment but I do believe that girl is incredibly lucky."

She smiled warmly, a light blush forming on her face. "Thank you, Alexander."

So apparently no memories were triggered. John still couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super happy with how this chapter turned out. I hope it wasn't too bad.


	5. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has trouble sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo... This turned out to have a bit more angst then planned. And, uh, it's probably going to get worse. So yeah. I'm sorry. But hey, there was some fluff in the beginning! Hehe yeah... I'll just see myself out now.

"That's a lot of coffee even for you." John looked at Alexander skeptically. He had four cups of coffee filled with espresso and it was eight at night. "Are you planning on staying up all night?"

"I have five different essays due in a week. So yeah, I'm going to be awake for a while." This had been going on for two weeks now. He stayed up all night for days on end. He had bags under his eyes and he looked exhausted but he stayed up anyway.

"Alexander, you need to slow down."

Alexander looked at John annoyed. "No, I can't. I have too much to do. I have a debate to put together for speech and I have these essays to write. Beside I don't want-" he cut himself off before he finished his statement.

"Is there something wrong?" John asked instantly catching the abrupt stop.

Alexander shook his head and began to write. It was becoming a habit for him to suddenly grow quiet which was incredibly unusual for him. John sighed and decided to let it go. He'd been trying to get Alexander to talk about whatever was bothering him for a week now but he couldn't get anything out of him. He curled up in his bed and started drifting off to the sound of Alexander scribbling rapidly on paper.

He woke up suddenly from another one of his flashbacks/dreams. He glanced at the clock. It was 3 am. _Great_. He glanced at Alexander's bed to see that he had fallen asleep hunched over his paper, pencil still in hand. John got up quietly and gently took the pencil and paper from him, laying him down and covering him up. Alexander let out a whimper and started shivering. _A nightmare? Is that why he's not sleeping?_ He looked at Alexander with concern and sat by his bed on the floor, taking his hand in his own. Before he knew it he was drifting off to sleep again.

It was the calmest sleep he'd had in a year.

The light filtering into the room through the window woke John up. He glanced around, momentarily confused as to why he was on the floor. Then last night flashed in his mind and he felt his face heat up. _Oh god I'm such a sap._ He buried his face in his hands for a second and then looked up glancing at Alexander's bed to find it empty. Which meant Alexander knew he had slept my his bed. His face got even hotter and he wished he could melt away.

He got up, running a hand through his hair and headed to get some food. This could not have been more embarrassing to him. He hadn't even thought about what he'd been doing. It was totally going to bit him in the ass later. He glanced at the clock and swore a little too loudly. He was super late for his class. He hurriedly got dressed, got his things, and ran out the door.

He had this class with Eliza so when he got in he saw that she'd saved him a seat. She looked up, a question in her gaze. "Where were you?" She whispered as he sat beside her. "I overslept. I completely forgot to set my alarm."

"Wow. Good job, Laurens." She snickered.

"Oh give me a break," he snapped back.

"Geez. Someone's grumpy today," she half glared at him. "What's going on with you?"

He sighed. "I'll tell you later."

When they got the chance he told her about last night. She stared at him, her eyes sparkling with laughter. "Awwwwww. That was so cute of you!"

He groaned. "Yeah, but he probably thinks I'm a freak now. I mean, who the hell just decides to sleep right next to their roommate's bed?"

She patted his back. "I'm sure he doesn't think you're a freak. It'll be fine."

"Sure it will. I'm just gonna melt into a puddle now. Bye."

"Hey, he might make you melt for a different reason," she giggled, wiggling her eyebrows. He nearly choked on air.

"What?? Eliza!" He said mortified, heat rising up on his face.

"What are you shouting about?"

Alexander's voice behind him nearly made him jump out of his skin. He swiveled around to see Alex with Lafayette right behind him.

"Uh it's nothing. She's just messing with me." He tried to keep his voice steady.

She snickered. "Yeah. He's very easy to mess with if you know how. I'll tell you the secrets to it later, Alexander." She winked.

"What? You will not!"

Alexander laughed. "I look forward to it, Betsey."

She looked slightly shocked at the nickname. So did he. He paused, contemplating the nickname he used in silence, looking thoroughly confused.

Lafayette coughed. "So, are we going to eat or not? I'm starving." Happy for the change in topic they all agreed and headed to the school's cafe. It wasn't as good as the cafe in town but they didn't have the time to go there between these classes today. Well, most of them. Alexander and John both had an extra hour or two. John was still slightly red as they were eating, reliving the conversation he just had with Eliza because she kept wiggling her eyebrows at him suggestively. He opted to ignore her in favor of his food, munching quietly as everyone else talked. Alexander was launching into a full-scale description of his debate in speech and John was trying so hard to listen. Alex was acting like everything was normal so maybe he wasn't completely creeped out.

When it was time for Eliza and Lafayette to head to class, John and Alexander headed back to their dorm, waving goodbye to the other two. Once in their dorm, John set his stuff beside his bed and plopped down on his back.

"I'm exhausted and there's still half a day left. How the hell do you do it?"

Alexander smiled lightly. "Do what?"

"Keep all that energy. It can't all be coffee." He looked at him with mock envy.

Alex laughed. "Who knows?" He really was acting normal. He sighed in relief.

"So, did you have trouble sleeping last night?" John sat up at Alexander's question.

"Um, only a little," he responded slowly. Alexander's face was unreadable. "I see."

"What is it?" John asked hesitantly.

"Oh it's nothing," Alexander responded slowly. John was still looking at him feeling slightly awkward.

"If it's about where I ended up sleeping, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep like that," John starts feeling his face heat up again. "I was just-" he broke off, unsure if he should finish what he was saying.

"What?" Alexander asked expectantly.

John sighed. "You seemed like you were having a nightmare. I thought maybe you needed something to calm you down. My mother used to do that when I was little and it usually worked for me."

"Oh. That makes sense." Alexander was quiet for a minute. "Um, thanks. It actually was a little helpful." Alexander looked almost shy. It was cute.

"Do you, uh, want to talk about it? I mean, you don't have to but I'm always here listen in case you want to. I don't judge or anything and I'm a great listener." He said quickly, unsure if he was even saying the right thing.

"Maybe later. We have class to get to."

"Oh crap, you're right. I have to go." John got up and grabbed his things. "I'll see you later, Alexander."

"See you."

\----------------------

Their schedules conflicted the rest of the day. When John had class, Alexander didn't and when Alexander had class, John didn't. At one point, John was in the dorm and just started randomly cleaning because he was so bored. John and Alexander got another hour to hang out and then John had a stupid night class to go to. "This is bullshit. Who teaches a three hour class at night anyway?" He grumbled to himself. He walked into the classroom to find the teacher wasn't even there yet. "Of course not."

He found a seat in the back and sat down. He pulled out his laptop and began typing. After 15 minutes of waiting, the teacher finally showed up. He looked rushed and irritated. "Hello class. I presume you have your books and everything already." This was a common event with this teacher. The professor was always late and never apologized. The agitation was a little new though. Oh and he was from the past too. "Professor Seaburn, you said we didn't need our books today," said a student near the front. "Did I? What was the plan today?" He mumbled to himself, digging through his stuff. He seemed even less organized than his previous life, Samuel Seabury. When he finally found the plan for today he sighed. "Of course. I completely forgot. Just get out you notebooks. We're watching a video and taking notes today." In other words, he was too lazy to put something better together.

John got his stuff out and feigned interest as the video began playing. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw a few texts from Eliza.

 **From Mom Eliza:** _Hey, how'd your alone time go? ;)_

 **From Mom Eliza:** _I hope it went well. Judging from your silence I'm thinking you were a bit preoccupied ;)))_

 **From Mom Eliza:** _Okay seriously, how is everything_?

 **To Mom Eliza:** _Everything is fine. No I wasn't "preoccupied" in that way. -_- We just talked and then I've had a busy day after that._

 **From Mom Eliza:** _I see. That's sadly disappointing._

 **To Mom Eliza:** S _eriously? Can you not? We're obviously just going to be friends._

 **From Mom Eliza:** _Not on my watch. You two finally have a chance. It's not going to waste._

 **To Mom Eliza:** _He's not even interested in me. It's not going to happen._

 **From Mom Eliza:** Y _ou keep telling yourself that._

He got a text from Alexander.

 **From Alexander Ham:** _Hey, have you seen my hoodie?_

 **To Alexander Ham:** _I may have accidentally put it in one of my drawers if it's not in yours. I have a habit of randomly putting stuff up when I'm bored and sometimes I don't actually pay attention to what it is or where it goes._

 **From Alexander Ham:** _Alright. Thanks weirdo :P_

 **To Alexander Ham:** _Hey, don't judge me Mr. Non-stop-writer._

He heard a cough from up front. "Is this class too boring for you Mr. Lawrence?"

He quickly put his phone up, counted to ten, and tried his hardest to stay civil. But one look at Seaburn's haughty expression and that went out the window. "The class isn't what's boring Professor Seabury. I believe it would be you that is a complete sleep inducer. I think I'll take my leave actually. Good night." John grabbed his things and walked right out of the door.

Well, he definitely made an enemy of his professor. That's just great. He practically burst through the door to his room, still filled with energy after his burst of emotion. He was expecting to see Alexander in bed writing as usual. But when John looked around he wasn't there.

"Alexander?" He called warily. Why wasn't he in here? John glanced at the bathroom and confirmed he wasn't in there. He tried to push down the unease growing in his stomach. Then his drawer caught his eye. It was open. He walked over to it and found the box that had his envelopes open.

_Why is this-_

_Oh no_.

He completely forgot he had those in there.

 _Shit_.

He immediately called Eliza.

"John, what's going on? I thought you had class."

"Eliza, have you seen Alexander?" He didn't bother trying to explain why he wasn't in class. That wasn't important right now. The unease in his stomach was getting worse.

"No... John, is something wrong? Talk to me." The worry in her voice was clear now.

"I... I think he knows. He's not in the dorm room and it looks like he found some old envelopes from letters he wrote me. I'm not sure though. Maybe I'm overthinking things so I wanted to see if maybe he just went to see you or something."

"No, I haven't seen him. I'll help look though. Maybe Herc or Lafayette have seen him. I'll call them."

A few minutes later they were all in his room.

"We looked in the library and the cafeteria on our way but he wasn't there either." Lafayette sounded just as worried as he felt. "Do you think he remembered and then bolted?"

"I don't know. He found the envelopes. Maybe they triggered something. I just know he isn't here."

Hercules looked at the envelopes then back at John. "I wouldn't be surprised if these brought memories back. I mean, he did write them himself."

The unease began to grow more. "But where would he have gone?"

They continued to search everywhere they could think of. The cafe was closed, so he wouldn't be there. The debate room was empty. When they met up again in the dorm, no one had found anything.

"Dammit! What are we going to do? We can't just leave him like this! If he really did get his memories back, the last thing he needs is to be alone." John was shaking slightly, from cold and worry.

Eliza put a hand on his arm gently. "We'll find him. But right now we need sleep. We won't be any good exhausted. Let's get some rest and continue searching tomorrow."

John looked like he was about to protest but then thought better of it. He sighed in resignation. "Okay."

They went their separate ways, exhaustion weighing on their shoulders and worry in their hearts. John put the envelopes back and climbed into bed. It took hours for him to fall asleep and when he did, it was fitful, filled with flashback and worry for Alexander.


	6. Breaking and Mending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmmmmm. So There's much more angst than originally planned. Like, self hate, depression, all that stuff. I'm so sorry. But there's fluff in the chapter's future :) just so you know I love you guys.

It had been a week since Alexander disappeared. He never showed up in class or the dorm or anywhere else they looked. Lafayette was getting pissed, Hercules was hacking into cameras trying to find him and snapping at people because it wouldn't work, and John was on the verge of breaking down. Eliza was the reason none of them lost it. She kept it together which helped keep them together.

But by the end of the week, even she was having trouble. The lack of sleep was showing on her face as well as everyone else's. John was falling behind on his assignments. He couldn't focus and he was going crazy. _What if he doesn't come back?_ He fought back the panic that began to rise at the thought. _He has to come back. He wouldn't just completely abandon his schoolwork, if anything else._

John sat in the cafe typing away, trying to find a moment of peace. He understood why Alexander did it so much. It was actually pretty effective when trying to calm down. He was just typing whatever came to mind at the moment. Every bit of emotion he was feeling was poured into the paper. He drowned himself in it. It would probably never reach Alexander's level of writing but that wasn't the point. "Sir, we're about to close," the store manager told him gently. They had become used to him being here till closing. "Alright," he responded quietly. He finished the paragraph and put away his laptop, heading silently out the door. He pulled his scarf tighter around him, seeking comfort and warmth from the growing cold.

He felt the familiar brief flash of hope as he opened the door and the just as familiar pain when Alexander still wasn't there. He kept hoping he'd come home to find Alexander in there.

He fell onto his bed, not feeling up to a shower. He felt a sting behind his eyes and tried to push back the growing tears. He had a headache and his stomach hurt. He rolled over onto his side. _Where the hell is he?_ He thought angrily. _Is he really not coming back?_ The emptiness threatened to overwhelm him. _I just got him back. I can't just lose him like this._

John cried himself to sleep that night.

The next few days went by in a blur. He went to school, talked to the others about progress on finding Alex, and headed home to his empty dorm room. It was almost robotic at this point. He was just going with the motions, not really feeling anything anymore. He'd cried too much to care anymore. He'd pretty much given up. Eliza was trying so hard to snap him out of it one day that he finally snapped at her, telling her he wasn't coming home and to come off it. When he realized what he'd said he ran off, closing himself up in his room. He shouldn't be hurting this much over someone who wasn't even his. But he was. And he just wanted it to stop. Finally one day he lost it and started throwing things around his room. He grabbed the envelopes in a moment of blind pain and rage and ripped them up because it was their fault Alexander wasn't by his side right now. Of course, as soon as he had done it, he burst into tears, sobs racking his body as he curled up on the floor.

After the second week with Alexander missing John felt broken. He was fine until Alexander showed back up. A little lonely, sure. But this was a whole other level of feeling alone. Eliza forgave him for his outburst but couldn't get him to talk to her. None of them could. He felt like it was his fault. He shouldn't have forgotten about the letters.

After a long day in classes, including his night class with Seaburn, John managed to fall asleep almost as soon as he lay down. His dreams were violent, as usual, but it was still more sleep than he'd been getting. After a while he felt himself being drawn back into wakefulness.

At first, he couldn't figure out what the hell woke him up. Then he noticed the light in his room. And the sound of scribbling on paper. He slowly turned in his bed, not daring to breathe. And he was right. Alexander was sitting in his bed hunched over his notebook. His hair looked like a mess and judging by his posture, he was exhausted. "Alexander?" John whispered hoarsely, afraid he was just dreaming. Alexander paused in his writing. He slowly looked at John with eyes that made him look much older. "Hey John," he said tiredly.

John slowly got up and made his way over to Alexander. And punch him square in the jaw. "Do you have any idea how worried we've been?!" He was seething, all the emotions he'd been feeling for the past two weeks boiling over. He pushed on, not letting Alex respond. "We looked everywhere for you! No one could find you. You just left without a word or warning! For all we knew something bad had happened to you! Alexander, you scared the shit out of us! Why the hell would you just leave like that?!" John was crying now, unable to stop. He looked like he was going to hit him again but he stopped himself. Alexander looked at him silently, pain in his gaze. "I know. I'm sorry. I just- I panicked. I didn't want this," his voice cracked and John noticed just how pained he looked. "I don't understand why I'm back. I should be dead. I don't want to be here. I caused enough damage the first time." He stopped and looked away. John stared at him unsure of how to respond. "You did a lot of good too."

"That's not good enough!" He snapped back. "I hurt the people I loved. I don't need to be given the chance to do it again."

"Alex-"

"Look, I came back but I'm not in a super chatty mood right now. Please just... Leave me alone for a while. Please." At that he turned back to his paper.

John stood there silently for few more minutes, fighting with himself on what to do. He finally decided to just go for a walk knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep now. He pulled on his jacket and boots and walked out of the door.

The air was crisp and the leaves that were scattered along the ground crunched neath his feet as he trudged along the pathway lost in his thoughts. The dawn was slowly lighting up the surroundings. He was hurting but he realized Alexander was also hurting. And for completely different reasons. He sighed. "Our lives are way too complicated." He was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Eliza until he walked right into her. "Oh I'm sorry I didn't notice- ah, hey Eliza," he said when he recognized her. She looked at him in surprise.

"You're up." She looked a little relived.

"Um, yeah, I couldn't sleep. I needed to think."

She looked at him skeptically. "Is there something else going one?"

"Alexander just showed back up."

"What?? Why the hell didn't you tell me that first?!" She immediately made her way to the dorm.

"Eliza- hey, wait!" He ran to catch up to her, putting a hand on her arm to stop her. "I don't think he wants to see you right now."

"What? Why not?"

"He remembers.... And he's pretty broken up. I'm assuming that's why he ran off. He's still mad at himself for his past mistakes."

She rolled her eyes. "That's too bad. Just means I've got to talk some sense into him." She continued walking towards top he dorm. "Why don't you let Hercules and Lafayette know. I'm sure they'd like to see him too," She called over her shoulder.

He sighed. "Fine."

He sent a text out to them to let them know, then slowly followed Eliza back to the dorm. They had arrived at the same time as Eliza and John had. When they tried to go inside Eliza put a hand up to stop them. "I'd like to talk to him alone for bit." And then she disappeared into the room.

After what felt like hours, Eliza opened the door and told them they could come in. Alexander's eyes were red as though he'd been crying. As they walked in he instantly began apologizing. "I'm so sorry I disappeared on you guys. I needed time to think and I probably should have texted or said something or-" Lafayette hugged him. "It's okay. We understand." Then they punched him in the arm. "But don't ever do that again," they said sternly. Alexander winced a bit, rubbing his arm, but let out a half smile. "I won't."

Hercules gave him an awkward hug, patting his back. "You're really good at hiding from cameras," He said half-grudgingly. Alexander let out a small laugh and John finally relaxed a little. Everything was going to be okay,

But, there were a few things that still needed time. Alexander was opening back up to everyone and it felt like the entire revolution gang were back together. But Alexander was having more trouble sleeping than ever. He would wake up gasping for air, sweating, putting his hand on his rib cage. John would be by his side in an instant, putting a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. At some point that became too little and Alexander would pull John closer, holding him like it was the only thing keeping him alive.

This was another one of those nights, Alexander trembling in his arms, tears streaming down his face. "It's okay, Alexander. I'm here. It's in the past. You're safe now." John rubbed circles on his back, a motion he knew was calming for Alexander. He mumbled something that was too quiet for John to hear. "What?"

"Don't leave me," he whimpered. His eyes showed just how broken he felt. John was a little shocked. "I'm not. Why would you think I would?"

"You keep dying."

"Alexander," John said, pulling back a little to cradle his face in his hands, "that was something from the past. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

It was a few minutes later that John realized Alexander had fallen asleep. He gently laid him down and covered him up, brushing the damp hair out of his eyes. Before he could stop himself, he leaned down and brushed his lips against Alexander's temple. "Good night," he whispered.

\-----------------------

Christmas break was coming up. Which also meant.......finals. The revolution gang tried to get together whenever they could but even that time was spent just in each other's presence while working and studying. Sleep was getting harder to obtain once again and this time school was the culprit. Alexander, of course, was on hyperdrive. Coffee coffee coffee. And non-stop writing. He wouldn't slow down and John didn't try to tell him to because he just new he'd get this look like he was insane. Of course, at the moment, even he was having to drink numerous amounts of caffeine. So many essays and projects and he felt like he was drowning. Stress and exhaustion were running high.

"Uuuuugh. Can this week just be over?" Lafayette laid their head on the table at the cafe. They had managed to make time for a break in between two exams they had today.

"It will be soon enough. And then we'll go out drinking to celebrate our survival," Alexander grinned. It was rare of him to actually take a break from his studies and work and John was relishing in the ability to actually talk to him.

"That sounds like a great plan," John responded, returning the grin.

Eliza looked at him with narrowed eyes. "I don't know if we should let you near a bar."

John laughed. "Oh come on! It's not like I go drinking every night anymore. I'm a lot better at staying sober."

Alexander snorted. "That doesn't mean you're any better drunk."

"What's that supposed to mean? When's the last time you've even seen me drunk?"

He looked thoughtful for a minute. "Okay, so maybe I haven't seen you drinking in this life time. But still."

"But still, nothing. Your argument is unfounded, Alexander, and you know it."

He looked like he wanted to argue more but finally excepted he wasn't going to win this time.

"Fine," he huffed.

"So it's settled then? Party after exams?" Lafayette looked excited, raising their head up.

"Yeah."

\------------------------

"Done! Finally! I get to breathe again!" Hercules stretched his arms over his head for dramatic effect. Lafayette was practically skipping. "We're going to head back and change. We definitely need to party tonight." They blew a kiss and grabbed Hercules's arm, dragging him off, leaving Eliza and John together. Alexander was already back at the dorms.

"They seem closer than ever."

John looked over at Eliza. "Yeah?"

"Mmhm." She had an expression that for some reason made John worry about what was going through her mind.

"What is it?" He asked warily.

"Oh, nothing." She waved him off but the look in her eyes said she was definitely plotting something. "I'll see you back at your dorm!" She took off without giving him a chance to say anything else.

Later, everyone was in Hercules's apartment. It was much bigger than John's dorm room so they had arranged to meet there. The music was already set up and Peggy and Eliza's girlfriend, Valerie, had just arrived, bringing food and drinks with them. "First semester is oveeeerrr! Woooo!" Peggy started doing this cute little dance of celebration as they set the stuff down and hugged everyone.

From then on, the party was in full swing. Lafayette was in charge of music and everyone was jamming out and drinking. Maybe a little too much. John was on his fifth glass of whiskey and Sprite and he was definitely beginning to feel it.

"How about we play a game?" Eliza proposed.

"What game?" Lafayette looked interested.

"Truth or dare." The gleam in her eyes made every sane fiber of John's being say run. But he was too tipsy to care about the sane side and joined everyone in a circle on the floor. Lafayette was practically bouncing with excitement. They loved this game with a passion.

"Okay, so here's the thing. Only three truths in a row. Everyone is going to do a dare at some point. Also, you only get two dare changes in the whole game. Not backing out. You'll have a dare either way. The dare change just means it could be made potentially milder. Of course," she grinned, "that's up to the person who's daring."

John's sane side was flaring up again and he just shoved it down. He enjoyed a challenge so why not enjoy the game. They spun a bottle to see who would ask first. It was Hercules. He looked around the room with mock concentration, then turned to Valerie. "Truth or dare?" He asked.

She thought for a second before answering, "dare."

"I dare you to chug the whole bottle of fireball whiskey." He pointed to a medium sized bottle on the counter.

She grinned. Apparently she liked a challenge, too. She got up and grabbed the whiskey, popping the lid off and tipping it to her lips in one fluid motion. As expected, everyone started chanting for her to chug. And she did, down to the very last drop. She slammed the bottle down, whooping loudly. Eliza laughed, pride in her eyes. "That's my girl!"

Valerie came and sat back down. It was now her turn and she contemplated who she should ask. She turned to Lafayette. "Truth or dare?" Her words sounded a little slurred.

"Truth," they smiled.

"If you could kiss anyone in this room, who would it be?"

They giggled. "Right to the point, I see. Let's see," they pretended to think for a minute, "Peggy. They're a glowing star." They smiled and winked at them. Peggy blushed and smiled. "Oooooooo. So cute!" Eliza nudged her sibling with her elbow resulting in an even brighter blush.

Peggy wound up daring John to do a mock strip dance (only actually taking off his shirt) and he found that Eliza likes licking wine off of Valerie. Apparently she was a bit on the kinky side. Alexander was dared to run outside in the now snow covered ground with just his jeans on, screaming that he was going to marry his coffee machine. The game carried on and everyone was drinking more and more.

"Hey Alexander," Eliza grinned, "truth or dare?"

"Hmmmm," he made a show of looking deep in thought, even scratching his chin for good measure, "dare."

The look in her eyes set off warning bells in John's head.

"I dare you to give up coffee for the rest of the break."

"What?" He looked at her like she was crazy. "Um, no? Why the heck would I do that?"

"Are you saying you want to change dares?" Her grin only grew. _Oh no._

"Yes. There's no way I could give up coffee."

"Okay.... Then, you have to kiss John on the mouth for," she thought a second, "ten seconds."

 _I knew it._ The voice in the back of his mind screamed. She probably planned it before they even started this game. He glared at Eliza. She grinned back at him. Lafayette looked between Alexander and John, anticipation written all over their face.

"Uh, is that really okay? What if he's uncomfortable with it?" Alexander looked a little worried.

John sighed. He might as well. "No, it's fine. You can't change a dare twice in a row anyway." He tried to ignore the racing of his heart, hoping nobody noticed the slight change in his voice. "Are you sure?" Alexander asked, slowly getting up and walking over to him.

"Yeah." John was beginning to feel a little breathless at the thought of those lips on his.

"Okay," Alex breathed, "close your eyes."

John rolled his eyes but closed them. He felt Alexander's soft lips brush against his own, testing and making sure that John wasn't going to freak out. But he totally was freaking out. Just not for the same reason Alexander may have thought. When he didn't pull away, Alexander pressed closer and it felt like electricity ran through John's body, short circuiting his brain. He returned the kiss, moving his mouth slightly, the buzz growing stronger. _More_ , his brain practically screamed. He'd never gotten to do this, ever, and the idea that Alexander Hamilton was finally kissing him nearly drove him wild. But he had to keep it in check. Because this was only a game and they were drunk and there were people here. Alexander began moving with him and he felt his tongue brush lightly over his bottom lip. _Oh god._ He nearly whimpered. He was about to let him in when Eliza coughed. "I-it's been ten seconds." She looked a little red. They pulled apart quickly and John had to refrain from whining at the loss. Lafayette looked like they were watching the best show in the world. "Well, that was hot." They grinned. "Uh," John felt like his entire vocabulary had been sucked out of him and he felt his face heat up.

"Well, I think that's it for tonight. It's two in the morning," Hercules spoke up, nodding at the clock.

"Oh, uh, alright," John said in a daze. Everyone was too drunk to go anywhere so they all crashed in Hercules's apartment.

John curled up on the couch, his face still aflame. Would something like that ever happen outside of a game? Or better yet, when they were sober? He had always had a deep longing for Alexander. That kiss just made it ten times worse. He fell asleep thinking of what it would be like to have more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm considering on writing a mirror fic. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to make this book though. So we'll see how that goes.


	7. Relatively the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ummmmmmmm. I don't know what this is anymore. There's some angst. and some mild fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooooooo sorry guys. Classes came back and I lost my inspiration for a bit. It's still not completely back and so this chapter definitely doesn't feel like my best work. It's also a little short I think. But uh, I really wanted to have at least something more done. I hope it isn't too crappy. I think I'm finally figuring out a bit of my plot. (I really should stop just jumping into stuff without a full plan).

_The sky was clear and beautiful, deceitful in this time of war. John Laurens sighed as he glanced at the papers on his desk. He had essays to write and letters to read. He sifted through the letters, secretly looking for one from a specific person. It had been weeks since he'd last heard from him. He stifled a small grin when his eyes found what they were looking for and picked up the envelope, running his fingers lightly over Alexander's familiar writing. He slid his fingers under the seem and opened it, pulling out the letter from within. As he read, the smile on his face slowly disappeared. The words "getting married" and "best man" jumped out at him and suddenly he felt his whole world become even more painful. It was obvious that they could never be. After all, not only was their world unforgiving, but he was married too. But that didn't make the words on the paper any less like a knife cutting through him. He struggled to hold back the tears he could feel rising up to drown him. He was being asked to be their best man. Could he really do it? Could he stand up there and give a speech for this? Yes. He would. It was for Alexander and his happiness. John would do anything for him even if it hurt. He picked up his quill and paper and began to write._

  
John's eyes snapped open. He felt a slight wetness to his cheeks and a dull aching in his chest. He brought a hand to his eyes and wiped them quickly, hoping no one had seen, and began to sit up. And then proceeded to collapse back down with a groan. "Shit," he muttered under his breath. A wave of nausea washed over him and his head was pounding as though someone was consistently slamming the butt end of a gun into it. He tried once again to sit up, wincing. Then he was dashing to the bathroom, barely making it in time to retch into the toilet. After a bit more, he sat back for a few minutes, waiting to see if he needed to puke again. When nothing more came up he concluded it was over for now and rose slowly to his feet, swaying a little. "Fuck. I drank way too much last night."

"No shit," a voice said behind him with mild amusement. John spun around, instantly regretting it when everything began spinning. "Woah, easy." He found himself being held up by strong arms gently keeping him from falling. He looked up to see Alexander's face inches from his. John's heart stuttered a bit. Alex's expression had morphed into that of concern and his voice matched. "Maybe we should sit you down." He walked John over to the couch and gently helped him back onto it. He left for a few seconds, coming back with two mugs of coffee. "You never were good at holding your liquor," he smirked and handed John's cup to him. John rolled his eyes. "Shut up." He tried for irritated but it came out weak with a whine and he could barely even manage a scowl. Alexander just laughed. Lafayette sashayed into the room in all his fabulousness, seeming completely fine despite having drunk more than him. "Fuck you," John growled when Lafayette smirked at him causing Alex to laugh even harder.

"My head hurts, stop laughing so loud," Eliza grumbled as she sat on the chair. "I warned you about trying to out drink me." Valerie walked in looking smug. Eliza half-heartedly flipped her off. Valerie winked at her, "maybe later." A light pink made its way onto Eliza's cheeks as she smiled. "I look forward to it," she flirted back.

"Get a room, you two," Lafayette groaned good-naturedly.

John smiled slightly. The pain from his flashback faded out to be replaced with the feeling of his amazing friends surrounding him. It was in the past. But will you ever get a chance with Alexander? As far as you know, he's completely straight. He shoved that thought down as quickly as it came, refusing to let those thoughts take over his already aching head.

\-----------------

Weeks passed and Alexander was definitely feeling better than he had been, reverting back to his incredibly flirtatious and talkative nature. Of course, this only further proved that John didn't have a chance in hell. He sighed inwardly as he watched Alexander flash his signature smile at a girl from his government class. She was pretty in a petite way John admitted grudgingly. She had long, wavy brown hair and a tiny waist. Of course Alexander would instantly begin charming her the minute she said hi. He walked back to John with this smug look on his face while holding his phone up. "That was almost too easy." John rolled his eyes. "Seriously?" Alexander grinned more. "Hell yeah. She was pretty damn cute."

"Whatever. Let's just head to class." John tried to keep as much of his irritation out of his voice as he could.

Apparently he's going to be stuck with one-sided pining again. Some things really never change.

\-------------------

It's been a few weeks since Alexander had been seeing this girl and John was getting irritated. He tried so hard but after a whole lifetime of watching from the sidelines, he wasn't sure he could do it again. So of course, he found himself in a bar, getting as shitfaced as humanly possible. All he wanted to do was forget. His heart was aching more than ever and he was tired of it. So the minute an opportunity arrived in the form of a stranger who may or may not have had a similar build to the one he wanted to forget, John took it. The man came up to him with this small smirk that could definitely drive people crazy. If only John could fall for it. Instead he ended up going home with him with one goal in mind. Forget, forget, forget.

And when he woke up in the morning, he didn't forget. Instead it was regret. That was the dumbest thing he could remember doing and he'd done a lot in his life. He wasn't going to be able to get Alexander out of his system and he had already known that. He left as quickly as possible, leaving only a small note behind.

\--------------------

"Hey. Where were you last night?" Alexander looked up from his bed (he was writing, as usual) at John with concern as he walked in. John muttered a quick curse under his breath. He'd been hoping to sneak into the dorm unnoticed. He shuffled to his bed, tension in the pit of his stomach. "Um, I went out," was his vague reply.

Alexander quirked a brow at this. "Yeah, I kind of got that," he said, slight irritation making its way into his voice. But the look on John's face must've said something because his gaze shifted into that of concern. "Is everything okay?" He asked gently. "What? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be?" _Dammit_. John mentally screamed at himself for the slight waver that made its way into his voice. He hoped Alexander didn't notice.

He did.

Alex set his pencil and notebook down, giving John his full attention. "John-"

"It's not important," John cut him off. He realized too late how harsh that sounded when Alexander's eyes turned slightly cold.

"Well excuse me for worrying about you. You look like shit, smell like alcohol, and-" this time he cut himself off.

"Is...is that a hickey??"

John's eyes went wide for a fraction of a second before he tried to regain his composure. Which wasn't working to well. "Uh..." Was all he could manage.

"You-" Alex looked angry and possibly a little hurt. "Oh, I get it. You go out, get drunk, and sleep with some random person. It's totally nothing though. Why the fuck would you need to say anything about it to me? I mean, I'm only your roommate and your best friend." Yep. He was pissed. But you know what? That so wasn't fair. And something in John finally snapped. "Why the fuck does it matter if that's what I did? It's not like you've never done it before, and you never see me asking about it!" Alex seemed to flinch at that slightly but got up and walked over to John, fury set clearly in his face. "I haven't done anything like that in a long time. You know why? Because they are all really bad ideas! They can go so wrong so fast that you wouldn't have time to react. I learned from that! I lost just about everything because of a 'one night stand!' Besides, you've never been the type to do something like that. This isn't like you, John." His voice, while still angry, also had a small note of concern.

"I get that it was a mistake!" John was too close to tears and he needed this to stop before he did something stupid like cry or punch Alex in the face. "Obviously. That's why I ran back here as quickly as I could. I didn't exactly go to the bar with the intention of screwing a stranger. It just-" his voice broke off. No argument he made was going to sound right because he knew Alexander was right. He sighed in defeat, shoulders slumping down, eyes trained to the ground. "I'm sorry," it came out as a whisper, but Alex caught it. He let the tension leave his shoulders. "Okay. As long as you don't do something like that again. I don't want to see you get hurt like that."

John rolled his eyes. "Okay, dad."

Alex let out a small chuckle. It was clear the fight was over. "How about a coffee. You're probably hungover again." He was already walking away but John could practically hear the smirk in Alex's voice. "Yeah. I could use a coffee," he groaned out. Just like that, he was reminded of the dull pounding in his head.

"Oh, Christine broke up with me, by the way. Apparently I talk to much," Alexander said as he walked back in and handed John his mug. He didn't seem all that hurt though, with a slight smirk on his face. "Hmmmmmm. I wonder where she got that idea," John said sarcastically.

"No idea," Alex replied with a small grin.

And with that, suddenly John's world was somewhat okay again. He would still have to deal with this unrequited crush eventually but for right now, he felt a little better and decided to just relish in the comfort of just having Alexander beside him.


	8. The Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is quiet and calm. Usually this would be considered the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayyyy so I managed to create another chapter relatively quickly. It's a bit short but that's actually for a reason this time. I can't really put the next stuff in this chapter because I have big plans. They're um..... Big. And full of angst. So this chapter was meant to be mostly fluff. Ish. I'm not super good with fluffy stuff.... Yet. So bear with me. And if you have advice to help me with this stuff, that'd be great. So without much ado, here goes.

For the next few days John and Alexander just kind of hung out in their dorm, only leaving to get food and stuff. John was content. Mostly. While he was definitely better now that Alexander wasn't with that girl, he was still furiously pining and still didn't know what to do about it. He hadn't had a single hint at whether Alex was straight or not. And he definitely couldn't just ask him. What if he was homophobic? That would seriously screw everything up. Alexander didn't really seem like that type of person but he couldn't risk it. Yet.

Right now he was on his bed with his headphones on while Alexander typed furiously on his computer. John pulled out his sketchbook and eventually found himself sketching him. He stole small glances at Alex, trying to capture his face as it was morphed in pure concentration, his eyebrows knit together and his tongue sticking out slightly. Then he moved on to his shoulders and his slightly muscled arms and his hands, long and delicate for writing. After he was somewhat satisfied with the sketch he put the sketchbook up and proceeded to let himself get consumed with the music in his ears.

It was a an hour later when Lafayette came barging into their dorm looking frantic. "Guys! I need help!" John jumped, startled and from the look on Alexander's face, he'd had the same reaction. "What's going on?" Alexander quickly got up, ready for whatever might come their way.

"Our debate club had a big debate today in front of a bunch of people and one of our debaters can't make it. I need someone to stand in for him otherwise things could go down really fast," Lafayette said in a rush.

"Wait," Alex held his hand up, "we have a debate club? And you didn't tell me?? How did I not know about this?!"

Lafayette huffed and quickly waved him off, "There's no time for that now. The debate is in an hour. Are you in?"

"Wha- an hour?!" John was speechless. Well, if anyone could do it, Alexander probably could. But still. That's extremely short notice.

"I'm in," Alex was already getting ready, finding clothes that were relatively presentable. As he was getting dressed in the bathroom he called out to Laf, asking what the debate was about and having him drill him and give him information so he could figure out what to say. John listened in silence, filled with pure wonder at the speed he was able to piece everything together. _This. This is what I fell for._

Alexander stepped out of the bathroom, tying his hair back into a ponytail. He grabbed a pencil and a notebook and began quickly making notes as Lafayette continued to spout off facts.

Thirty minutes. That was all it took for him to prepare himself for a speech he hadn't even known he was going to give. Then they were rushing to get to the debate room. John told them he'd be there once the actual debate started.

Thirty minutes later and John was sitting in a seat watching as the two debaters came up to their podiums. George Washington was the judge. Alexander looked around with barely concealed excitement. It had been so long since he'd done a debate like this. Eliza and her girlfriend spotted John and went to join him. When Eliza looked up at the stage she let out a small groan. "Oh no."

John looked at her with confusion. "What is it?"

"The guy he's debating. He obviously hasn't recognized him yet, but....I was seriously hoping those two wouldn't run into each other."

"A reincarnate?"

She nodded.

"Who is it?"

"Thomas Jefferson."

Oh. Well shit. John hadn't been there during the whole rivalry thing but he'd heard horror stories.

It only took three sentences from Jefferson -now known as Thomas Jordan- before Alexander's face morphed into that of recognition then annoyance. This was going to go so well.

As Thomas continued, Alexander's face grew more and more agitated. He looked about ready to explode once his turn came around.

As he spoke, his agitation kind of faded a little as he fell into the usual comfort of his words. John watched as his expression lit up, his eyes sparking with passion and his words carrying his message clearly. His voice rang out throughout the stadium and John found himself feeling as though he was falling in love all over again. He's beautiful.

When Jefferson delivered his rebuttal, there was a small bite to it which implied he'd definitely put two and two together. Needless to say, things got a little heated from there. By the end, they both looked ready to strangle each other. Eliza had her head in her hands. Of course, Alex won so they guessed it wasn't too bad.

"Hey! Let's go out for drinks to celebrate!" Lafayette was filled with pure glee at the win. Alexander still looked like he needed to cool down so everyone agreed it would be a good idea to let off some steam.

The club was filled with loud music and pulsing lights accompanied by many bodies practically convulsing on the dance floor. Okay, maybe it was slightly more graceful but it was still definitely chaotic. John had a love-hate feeling for it. Crowds weren't really his thing. However, he'd grown to really like dancing and the alcohol here was terrific. So the first thing he did when they walked in was make his way to the bar. Everyone joined him and soon they were laughing and swaying due to being slightly inebriated.

For the first hour, Alexander just complained about Jefferson. "I can't _believe_ he's back too! Why the fuck do I have to deal with him in both lives?!" This was not the first time he'd said that this night. 

Lafayette finally just threw their hands up in the air in exasperation. "This," they pointed at Alex, "is exactly why I never mentioned the debate club. I knew we'd never hear the end of it."

Eliza snickered. "This isn't even the worst of it. He could literally go on for weeks," she said to John. John laughed and threw back another shot.

After a couple more drinks John found the courage to make his way onto the dance floor. It was one of his favorite songs and he felt the beat course through him along with the buzz of the alcohol.

"I didn't know you could dance!" He heard Alexander call over the music. John grinned at him.

"I wasn't much of a dancer back then. However, I may have taken a liking to dancing in this life. The music definitely has a different feel now. I could do with a little less people though."

"Hmmm. Yeah, this music definitely looks good on you," Alex grinned at him as he stepped close enough to be heard at a talking volume. Which was really close.

John looked away slightly and prayed that he couldn't see his face turn red in the lighting. "Uh, thanks."

Alex hummed in response and put his hands on John's hips, pulling him even closer.

Oooookay. He was most definitely drunk. There was no way he would do something like this sober. Alexander's face was now close enough that john could feel his warm breath where his neck met his shoulder, sending shivers of want through his body. John felt his face heat up even more. His mind was telling himself to pull away before he did anything stupid like kiss him or something. But he didn't. Because dammit he was enjoying this closeness. He really didn't want it to stop.

"Well, fancy seeing you here again, cutie," a voice of silk said behind them. Alexander pulled away and John turned around to look at the guy and tell him to leave because he seriously just ruined a perfectly good moment but stopped himself short. He was a little on the tall side with wavy hair and a slight British accent. He had a small feeling of recognition but he couldn't quite place the guy.

"Um, do I know you?" John asked.

The guy gasped slightly and put a hand on his heart dramatically. "I'm hurt! You really mean to tell me you don't remember? And we had such a lovely night too!" He winked.

Then it clicked.

_Oh fuuuuuuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, so, an early warning for next chapter. Its going to take a turn for the worst. Like, really bad. This story is taking a darker turn than I originally planned and I'm really sorry if that's not what you came for. I will understand if you guys stop reading. I will say, however, that I'm not going to dwell on the angst and stuff for super long. Next chapter should be the worst of it. If you guys want, I can just summarize or whatever in the chapter where it gets calmer so that you get what's going on but don't have to deal with too much. But it's totally up to you guys. Anyway, this was super long of a note but that's because I don't want anyone to end up reading something that will seriously trigger them. So this is just a heads up. Again, I'm really sorry if this makes you leave, but I will totally understand. Thanks for sticking with me so far. I love you guys! I promise. 
> 
> P.s. I love the comments. They are my life force right now.


	9. The Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The storm hits and it isn't pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm changing the warning because there is a rape thing. Except, it's not detailed in any way. Like, I pretty much skipped it because i could never actually write something like that. It's pretty much just a mention, hinted at. That's it. So again, warning, there is a shit ton of angst and a hint of rape. There are panics attacks and some self hate too. I'm super sorry for this guys. This chapter kind of came out a lot faster than I thought it would so yeah.... Early update I guess. But seriously, don't read if this will trigger you or anything. If you want, in the future I could summarize it so that you get what's going on but aren't dealing with this shit. But it's up to you. Wellllll here goes. I'm so sorry.

John felt frozen. He did not see this going well. Alexander had no idea he was gay. He was already upset enough for the one night stand. And standing directly in front of him was the guy he'd had said night with.

"Wow. You go home with me, give me the time of my life, leave before I wake up, and then forget? Harsh. I thought we had a moment," he pretended to pout and John was caught between wanting to punch the guy or bolt. He looked at Alexander and saw the realization dawn on his face. Then it morphed into something unreadable.

He was soooo screwed.

"Um, I'm sorry, but I really don't remember much. Can we just forget it happened?" John tried weakly.

The guy in front of them laughed. "Why would I want to forget a night like that? I had a lot of fun. The name's George, by the way. George King," he winked. And something in John's blood turned cold. _Wait. There's no way this guy-_

Something must have shown on his face because then George's grin turned wicked. "Ohoho. Something tells me you know me from another time."

Alexander tensed next to him.

_No. Nonononono. This can't be happening._ He felt bile rise up in his throat.

"You- you aren't-"

"Oh yes, love. I am the one and only King George. It's quite interesting, isn't it, to meet in another time, face to face." George looked ecstatic. John on the other hand was really trying not to panic. And of course, Alexander didn't seem too happy either.

"Even more interesting," he continued, "is that you have caught my interest immensely. And yet, it's also disappointing. I can't believe you'd pretend not to remember after promising another night!"

_What? I never promised-_

"What?" Alexander hissed, turning to him.

"Alex-"

"You can't be serious! You actually planned to do that again?!"

"No, I-!"

Alex cut him off before he could continue. "What the hell, John? You didn't even bother to find out who he was before hand!"

"I already told you none of it was planned! I was a little too drunk to give a shit!" John could feel anger replacing his fear.

"Why the fuck were you that drunk in the first place?!"

"It doesn't fucking matter why! It happened and that's the end of it!"

"Obviously not because the guy is standing right there and he just happens to be the last person I'd ever expect you to hook up with!"

"I didn't know!" John could feel that he was on the verge of tears. Again. "Why won't you understand that? Or is it because he's a guy? Is that it? Because guess what. I'm gay! If that's a problem then you need to leave." He felt his voice crack at the end. This was not how he'd planned on coming out. He couldn't handle anymore. He was already pissed enough at himself for this and Alexander was refusing to listen to him.

"You- you really think-" Alex was furious. He looked like he wanted to hit him. Instead he turned away and left.

He actually fucking left.

John felt a sharp pain in his chest as Alex walked away angrily. He hadn't seen him that angry since Charles Lee had spread rumors about Washington. George whistled. "Looks like you've screwed up big time," he said with a sly smirk. "You- shut up!" John glared at him. He still couldn't believe this was the guy he'd gone home with. "Hey, that's no way to talk to a friend. We had such a wonderful time together!" He pouted but there was still a glint in his eye that had chills running up and down John's spine. "I was drunk. It won't ever happen again. So leave me the fuck alone."

"Hmmm. Nah. I think I'll have a little more fun with you," his smile grew wider, like Cheshire but way more dangerous. John took a step back, not liking where this was headed or the the uncomfortable pit that was forming in his stomach.

"Um, yeah, I don't think so."

George's hand latched onto John's as he began to walk away.

"I think you're misunderstanding something here," his voice had lowered, making the pit in John's stomach worsen, "I'm not really asking for permission."

_What?_

John didn't have time to react before he was being thrown into the bathroom and the door locked behind him. His heartbeat picked up speed and he was on the verge of panic when George grabbed him.

"Now, how about we have the night of our lives. This time, I'll make sure you don't forget," He growled.

\-------------------

John didn't go home that night.

\-------------------

It wasn't until the next night that John snuck his way back into his dorm. It was one AM. Alexander seemed to be asleep so John felt immensely relieved because the last thing he wanted to deal with was another argument. Of course, when he laid down, he still couldn't sleep. The darkness was closing in on him and he felt another panic attack coming on. It was the fifth one in two days. He didn't want to wake Alex up so he went into the bathroom and locked the door, curling in on himself and shaking, trying to breath and wait for the new flashbacks to pass. This was so much worse than the ones of his past life. Nothing had been this painful or terrifying. He let out a whimper as he swayed back and forth. It took another thirty minutes before he managed to get his breathing back to normal. He felt tears stream down his cheeks though, and they weren't stopping anytime soon. He held back a broken sob. Eventually he fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

\------------------

Knocking jarred him from his sleep and he jumped up in a panic.

"Hey. Is that you, John?" It was Alex. _Shit._ John looked at himself in the mirror and swore. He looked like a fucking disaster. He hadn't bathed in two days. Or brushed his hair or anything really. He was also still in the same clothes from then, rips and all. He looked around frantically for anything to make himself look less shitty. The knocking continued, a little louder. "John? Hey open up! I want to talk to you."

John swallowed as much panic as he could and tried to prepare himself mentally. Not that it would do any good in this state. He unlocked the door after making sure that at least the tear streaks were gone.

"John-" John opened the door as Alex began to call out to him again. Alex gasped a little at his appearance. "Holy shit, John what-" for once he seemed at a loss for words.

John brushed past him into the dorm room and immediately got into his bed.

"John, I- I just-" Alex sighed and paused for a second, trying to collect himself, "I'm sorry. I seriously overreacted. I didn't know what to think and I never meant to hurt you. I was just seriously worried." He walked over to John's bed and sat down. John tried his best to hide the small flinch at the movement. "A one night stand was already unusual enough. But you didn't even know his name. That really scares me, John. Something really bad could come out of that." John suppressed a dry laugh. Too late.

He finally rolled over to look at Alex who seemed to relax a little once John was looking at him. "I- uh, I don't care that you're gay, by the way. That never once crossed my mind. It was a shock, sure, but.... I would never judge you for that. Especially not when- uh," he really was having a hard time with words today, "I'm bi. So it'd be kind of hard to judge you." He let out a small chuckle, slightly forced. "I'm really sorry. If you're hurting or need to talk, I'm here you know. You don't need to turn to alcohol," his voice shook a little as he said this and he looked away slightly.

John was having trouble keeping up for a second. Alex is bi??? He felt a slight flicker of hope, albeit extremely small. Then the previous events came crashing back down on him and it vanished. He wouldn't love a thing like him anyway. He was tainted in ways that could never be reversed. He felt tears in the corners of his eyes and had to fight to hold them at bay. "It's okay," he managed to croak out. And then they came flooding back and he broke down.

"John," Alex reached for him and John flinched unintentionally making him pause.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

John started shaking even more. He shouldn't be afraid. He knew Alex wouldn't hurt him. He sat up and pulled Alex into a hug which seemed easier once he was expecting it and initiated it. Alex hesitated a second before gently wrapping his arms around John. It was light enough that he wasn't instantly panicking but he still couldn't handle it for too long.

"Is there... something else going on?" Alexander asked slowly, gently, as John pulled away. He shook his head and laid back down. He didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay," Alex hesitated for a second longer before heading to get dressed. "Do you want me to take notes for you?" John nodded.

"Okay. I'll be back later." Then he was gone.

A few minutes later John got a text.

**From The King:** _Heyyyy cutie! ;) Did you miss me?_

John froze. He felt his breathing grow faster.

**To The King:** _How the fuck do you have this number?! How do I have your number?!_

**From The King:** _haha. You didn't think I would leave it at that did you? Of course I made sure we could contact each other._

John was definitely beginning hyperventilate. He started trying to focus on his breathing to slow down.

**From The King:** _I think we had a lovely connection. I'm going to make sure you come back for more._

**To The King:** _You're insane! I don't want anything from you! Leave me alone!_

John deleted the messages and George's number and then practically threw his phone onto the ground. His breath was now coming up in short gasps. He curled up on his side and just kept telling himself to breathe. 1......2.....3......4......5.....6.....

Counting was somewhat helpful for him and he managed to get back down close to normal.

His phone rang and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He carefully peaked at the name and saw that it was just Eliza so he answered after another second.

"Hey! I wasn't sure you were going to pick up. Alex said you weren't feeling well. I'm coming over with some soup and stuff. Is that okay?"

"Uh yeah," he said quietly. Honestly, he didn't want to be alone right now.

"Okay! See you there." And she hung up.

John sighed. She really was so caring. This was why he could never hate her. Or even dislike her. He let a small smile form on his face. Things were going to get better. He hoped.

\------------------

Okay so her soup was actually homemade. And it was amazing.

"How are you so perfect?!" John asked through a mouthful. She laughed lightly and shook her head. "I'm not. But I'm glad you like the soup," she grinned.

She sat with him as he ate just making light conversation. When he was finished, she paused, putting the stuff back in her back. Then she turned and looked at him with barely hidden concern on her face. John knew what was coming.

"So," she began cautiously, "Alex told me about your fight."

John sighed. "Yeah. I figured."

"John, you were gone for two days. Needless to say, we were all worried. For a second I thought you were going to pull what Alex did."

"I'm sorry," John's voice cracked and he mentally smacked himself.

"Did something else happen? It's unlike you to go away for that long after a fight. You're usually good about facing it. I mean, I get it was Alexander, but two days is still a long time to put it off." And she was right. John was really good about facing things head on and getting them over with. Like the duel with Lee. Of course people would notice this.

"I," he took a deep breath, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

She gently put a hand on his shoulder. "Okay. I'm here if you want to talk." She gave him a small smile. "I have to go to class so I'll see you later."

"Okay. See you." John waved slightly as she walked out.

\---------------------

For a while, John was really good at keeping everyone from worrying too much. He managed to start going back to school after one more day and he was able to stop himself from flinching to much when someone brushed past him. Every time he had the urge to flinch back from one of his friends touches, he felt a small whole inside him slowly get bigger. He shouldn't be afraid of them. He knew they wouldn't hurt him. But it was like that night had left his skin raw and any touch left him stinging and flashing back. But he was still managing it. It wasn't until a particularly bad nightmare left him screaming at the top of his lungs that Alexander began noticing something worse than he thought was going on. John's flashback of his past life were never that bad. Alexander was at his side in an instant trying to wake him up and calm him down. Being half asleep, John hadn't realized who it was. He wound up decking him. He snapped awake to find Alexander on the floor of the dorm room clutching his stomach.

"Holy shit! Alex I'm so sorry I didn't mean to- oh god I didn't-" he was panicking, unsure of what to do. The tears were already there and he was shaking again. Why the hell was this so hard?!

"It's okay," Alex wheezed. "It wasn't that bad of a hit." A lie. They both knew John could really pack a punch.

Alex got up and tentatively went back to John's side. "I'm okay John," he whispered when he realized that John wasn't calming down. He reached out and it just made John cry harder when he noticed that Alexander was too unsure to close the gap. So John once again closed the gap for him for a small moment, letting Alex slowly rub circles on his back to get him to calm down. "Breathe, John. Come on, in.... Out...." Alexander was quietly giving him instructions and it managed to help a lot more than John expected. When he was a little calmer he pulled away and wiped at his tears. "Um, thanks," he said hoarsely, "and....sorry. I really didn't mean to- to hit you."

"It's fine, John."

John waited for Alex to say more because he definitely looked like he wanted to. After a few minutes of hesitation in silence Alexander finally asked, "do you want to talk about it?"

John shook his head. "No, I really don't. I'm really sorry, I just..." His voice cracked and he let himself trail off.

"Okay," Alex looked more than concerned at this point, but didn't push it. "I'm here when you're ready." His words echoed Eliza's a bit.

"Yeah. Thanks."

They both went to their separate beds and John made sure he could still see Alexander. He didn't want to be completely alone. Then he found himself watching the rise and fall of Alex's chest as he fell into sleep. He let himself try to imagine what it would be like to curl up next to him and put a hand on that chest without fear of any kind. With that thought in mind, he fell into a calmer sleep.

  
After that Alex seemed much more cautious around John which in turn made John hurt even more. He didn't want people treating him like he was fragile. He wasn't that bad.

.....was he?

Eliza seemed to pick up on it too, looking between the both of them in concern and eventually she pulled John aside and asked if something happened. John told her it was nothing. She so didn't believe him.

It was when they were all chilling at the coffee shop that John got another text. At first he thought nothing of it since he didn't recognize the number. When he opened the text up he gasped. It was a picture. Of him. And his friends. Right fucking now. He looked around wildly trying to see where the person was that sent it.

**To 718-524-0901:** _Who the fuck is this?! Where are you?!_

**From 718-524-0901:** _Seriously? Haha wow, already deleted my number. Well, it's not like that means I don't have yours so it's all good. And as for your second question: right here, obviously. Lol_

John felt his blood turn to ice. No. He glanced around again but couldn't see him. He hadn't realized his breathing had picked up until Lafayette put a hand on his shoulder causing him to jump. "John? Is everything all right?"

"Y-yeah. Everything is fine," John's voice shook a little but he hoped no one noticed. Which was kind of a dumb thought since he was already visibly jumpy.

"You don't look fine," Hercules spoke with concern.

"I said I'm fine!" John abruptly stood up. He couldn't do this. Some freak was stalking him and his friends and he couldn't find him and the walls were suddenly closing in on him and he felt like he was suffocating.

"John-" Alex lifted a hand to try to comfort him but he was already heading out the door. The photo looked like it had been taken from outside so he looked around for George. His fear was slowly being replaced by liquid fury. This guy was actually terrorizing him now. And since he was with his friends, he took it as a threat to them too. Fuck that. No one messed with his friends.

But George was no where to be seen which meant he'd probably already left, most likely laughing his psycho little head off. So John decided to just walk back to the dorms hoping to cool down.

In his daze he wasn't watching where he was going until he ran into someone. Because that's just how everything works, right? He inhaled sharply and forced down a scream because obviously he wasn't in danger otherwise he would've already been grabbed or something. The other guy nearly fell and John grabbed his upper arm to steady him.

"Sorry about that," he managed to get out.

"It's fine," came the steady voice. Kind of on the cool side too, "though you really should watch where you're going."

John eyed the guy up and down. He had chocolate skin and a buzz cut. Before John could say anything in reply the guy just walked away. And of course, John had this small feeling he knew the guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are still going to be a little angsty in the future but there will be a happy ending and I shouldn't dwell on it too long. Again, I love you guys, I promise. If you still plan on sticking with me, that's amazing. If not, I understand completely.


	10. The Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The eye is alway there, calm in the middle of the storm no matter what. The storm is close to dissipating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! A new chapter! Sorry it took me a while to cough up. I've had so much going on. Anyway, hope you enjoy, sorry if it's short. Love you guys!

It was the next weekend which gave John a small break from too much social interaction. It was really beginning to drain him, having to hide just how paranoid he had gotten. Over the past few days, George had taken to texting him and stalking him. However, he couldn't do anything because he'd also come to discover that George had connections. Apparently he had this ability to get away with almost everything. And he seemed to have eyes everywhere. John had become irritable and paranoid on an extreme level, so he made sure to keep himself busy any time Alexander was in the room, not ready to answer questions.

Problem was, when you're roommates with your best friend, it was really fucking hard to hide shit. Especially when nightmares turned to full on night terrors that proceeded to get worse every night. But, despite this, Alexander was always there. He was cautious, of course. John had a seriously strong punch. But he still stuck with him through every night and every panic attack. He did his best not to question because he knew John wasn't ready and John appreciated that. There were moments when he thought about it but he never could bring himself to actually do it.

So Alexander just remained the center, the eye of his storm. Steady and quiet and calm. And John tried his best to cling to that, hoping against all hope that at some point the storm would finally dissipate. And there were times that it did, at least, ease up. But then John was reminded that his skin was tainted and he'd end up spending over an hour in the shower trying to get the filth to go away. It wouldn't, no matter how hard he tried. And then, after he was done, he would crawl into bed, ignoring Alexander's concerned gaze and holding back even more tears. It was getting easier to refrain from crying. John assumed it was because he was running out of tears to cry.

Depression became inevitable after these episodes. He'd lay there, unfeeling, for hours and hours.hd get up when needed, even try to sketch or listen to music, trying to crawl out of the pit. It didn't work. He'd end up wondering why Alexander seemed to care so much. It was a waste on him. He could barely protect his own body and now, it seemed, he couldn't even hide from the one who had done this to him. He was weak and slowly becoming more and more broken.

But Alexander never left. No matter how bad John's fits would get, he stayed. And if John wasn't so miserable, he'd wonder if maybe he'd had a chance with him. But those thoughts were all shoved to the back. Always reminding himself that he didn't deserve it.

\-----------------

It wasn't until another week later that Alexander began to figure things out. John had gotten another stalker text from George and he just dropped his phone and panicked. It wasn't even of him this time. It was specifically of his friends who went to the cafe without him. The caption read _[why aren't you with them, little boy?]_

Fury, pure fury. That was all he could feel when it clicked. This asshole was legit threatening them. It wasn't implied. It was being outright said. "I can see everyone and I will torment all of them unless I get what I want." That's what it was saying.

George had finally told him what he wanted a few days ago: he wanted John to be some kind of fuckbuddy thing. Hell no. He was _not_ doing that. But he wasn't letting anyone hurt the people he cared about. He was going to find George and end this by whatever means necessary. With that thought, he strode out the door, a mission on his mind.

Alex arrived minutes later to find that John had left. He called John, worried. When his phone rang from in the dorm, Alex looked around until he spotted it on the floor by the foot of John's bed. He hung up and picked the phone up. It was already unlocked and left on the message screen. Alexander looked at it in confusion. He shouldn't be reading John's messages except.... That was a photo of earlier. And it was sent to John. He looked through it and after reading only a few more messages everything clicked into place.

Alexander dropped the phone and rushed out the door.

\---------------

After thirty minutes of searching, he called everyone and asked if they'd seen him. He didn't go into detail because it wasn't up to him but he was beginning to panic. He had a feeling he knew who this asshole was and he was not about to just stand by.

Hercules and Lafayette showed up minutes later to help look. Eliza couldn't because she had a class.

There was still no sign of him and Alexander couldn't help but notice the irony. They always ended up having to find someone from their group. First him and now John. The difference being, what John was going through seemed way worse.

"What is the reason for you all to be so panicked?" A cool voice said behind Alex. They turned to him, eyeing him warily. His face remained indifferent except for a small raise of an eyebrow and a slight downturn of his lips.

They all glanced at each other. Should they say anything to him? They didn't even know the guy.

Alexander contemplated this for a second, then let out a huff of breath. "We're looking for one of our friends. He's got longish curly hair and a huge amount of freckles all over him. It'd be kind of hard to miss. Have you seen him?"

The stranger thought for a second. "Actually, yes. He was headed out in a rush and he seemed pretty pissed."

When he didn't say anything else Alexander rolled his eyes with impatience and annoyance. "Where did he go?" He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice to no avail.

"Perhaps I could help look for him. I have nothing better to do at the moment."

"Fine, whatever. Just, where did he go?" Alexander was about ready to punch the guy. Then he started walking, calling over his shoulder for them to follow.

After a few minutes of more walking and looking, Alexander felt a little curious. "Why are you so interested in helping? It's not like you know him," he asked.

"Hmm. Well, he ran into me once, literally. He seemed upset at the time and he seemed upset as he left today to." None of this actually answered Alexander's question, which irritated him.

"Is it impossible for you to give a straight answer? Or are you just opinionless either way?" He bit out.

The guys gaze snapped to him in an instant, his face unreadable. Before he could respond, however, they heart a crash up ahead in an alleyway.

Breaking into a run, they rounded the corner and found John beating the crap out of a guy. A very familiar looking guy who definitely could not hold his own against him, probably because he usually sent others to do his dirty work. But as of right now it looked like he might actually get beat to death so Alexander ran towards him and began to try to pull him away. "John, that's enough! You're going to kill him," he was struggling to pull him back so the stranger and Hercules both came to help, one pulling George away and the other grabbing John's other arm.

"Let me go! I'm going to kill him!" John was in a fit of pure rage. Alexander didn't blame him. It took him a lot of effort not to help beat the guy. But he couldn't because that would be murder and they couldn't get away with that as easily now.

"John, you can't. Stop, okay? Stop," after a few more seconds of struggling John finally stopped resisting and slumped against Alexander, burying his face in his chest. He was shaking and silent tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"What is going on? What are we going to do about George?" Hercules looked out of breath and a bit confused. Rightfully so because this could be considered assault.

"Um-" Alex began.

"Self defense," the other guy said at the same time.

Hercules looked at him, a question in his expression.

"Obviously, this guy did something to put your friend in this state. Plus, I've met this guy," he jerked his head slightly in the direction of George, "and he's not exactly a great person."

\-----------------------

As they stepped into the dorm, John asleep in Alexander's arms, they were greeted by two anxious faces.

"Eliza, Valerie, how did you two get in?" Lafayette looked around in question.

"Never mind that. What happened?" Eliza snapped and glanced at John with concern. Alex laid John on his bed and turned to the others. "Long story short, George fucked with John and John snapped. You know, in his usual violent way."

They had opted to take George to the hospital on account that George wouldn't say something stupid for fear that Alexander would retaliate with the information he had. He bet. That George wasn't so dumb he'd actually try to debate with him on this. Hercules was the one to take him, saying he had some errands to run so he might as well. Lafayette went with him, leaving just Alex, John, and the stranger.

"I see." Eliza still looked wary. She knew that Alex never kept stories short unless there was something else going on.

Alex picked up on it and spoke again, "look, I can't tell you much else. Anything else would be up to John to discuss when he's ready."

She nodded in understanding and seemed to relax slightly.

"Who's this?" Asked Valerie, eyeing the stranger up and down. They all turned to him, only just realizing he was still there.

"I apologize for my intrusion. I just wanted to be sure things went okay on your way back. And I was quite curious as to whom I was adventuring with today," he half smiled at them. "My name is Aaron Barlow, by the way," he added, extending a hand.

"No need to be so formal. You just helped save the day!" Alex grinned at Aaron and put an arm around his shoulders. Aaron's face took on that of a slightly annoyed expression but waited a few seconds before quietly pushing his arm off.

Eliza rolled her eyes. "Sorry about him. He can get a little.... Over excited and talkative. He honestly doesn't know the meaning of chill. I'm Elizabeth. Everyone just calls me Eliza. This lovely lady is my girlfriend," she nudged Valerie with her elbow. "I'm Valerie. Or Val. Whatever. If you have a problem with anything LGBT then you might as well get out now because we're all a little on the gay side," she grinned, but they could see the seriousness in her gaze. Aaron laughed a little. "No, I don't particularly have a problem with that." Valerie nodded, pleased.

"And you are?" He raised an eyebrow at Alex.

"Oh! Alexander Henderson. At your service, sir!" He gave a slight mock bow and grinned cheekily.

Aaron seemed to freeze for a second, something flashing across his face but it was gone too fast for anyone to read into it.

"Well, it was a pleasure, but I really. Must be going. Good night." And he was gone.

"Huh. That guy seemed a little...." Eliza trailed off. Alexander understood though. He seemed familiar. But for some reason, it was a little hard to place it.

\------------------------

John woke up with a raging headache and an aching body. He groaned, trying to sit up but failing miserably.

"Yeah, I think you should just stay in bed and rest for a bit." John jerked his head to look at Alexander as he spoke, instantly regretting it when his vision swam and his head pounded. He let out another weak groan.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna do that," he croaked out, laying his head back down.

"You know, we've really gotta stop doing this," Alex sighed, trying to inject a small ounce of humor in his somewhat serious words.

"Doing what?"

"Putting ourselves in situations like this. You know, one of us disappears for days on end, the others have to look for them, then they lay in bed for a while. It's honestly quite taxing to the mental health of an individual." He snickered slightly. It came out a bit forced though as John could here the worry in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

"I know, I know."

"You warned me, about him."

"I was a little late with the warning. Also, I was an asshole."

"Yeah, but so was I."

"John," Alex moved to sit on his bed, "we already did all this. We apologized to each other. It's fine already."

"Yeah but," he felt like he was going to choke on his own voice, "but I disappeared. Again. I just-"

"I know. I- uh... Do you... Want to talk about it? It's okay if not but-" Alexander looked a little lost. When John didn't reply they just sat in silence.

John sighed after what felt like an eternity. "He- he was stalking me." Alexander looked at him, giving his full attention. And then John launched into everything that was going on, starting from the beginning. He debated about telling Alex about that night but decided it wouldn't really hurt. He'd been so patient with him and so John felt he deserved to know. By the end of his explanation, Alex looked livid.

"He- he-" he couldn't seem to get the words out. Alexander had already discovered a bit about the stalking but this was so much more than he originally thought. "What the fuck?!" He finally growled out. "That- I'm going to kill him!" Alexander got up and for a second John thought he was really going to go back out there and attack George. He reached out a hand but retracted it when Alexander started pacing. He was grumbling under his breath. Then he took out a pencil and his notebook and began to write.

"Alex?" John asked quietly after a few minutes.

When Alexander didn't respond John spoke a little louder," Alexander."

Alex finally looked up. "What is it?" His voice was hoarse and he looked like he was trying not to cry. Well shit.

John got up and went over to Alexander, ignoring the screeching of his muscles in protest to the movement.

"Hey, why are you crying? It's over now."

"Are you kidding me?" Alex look at John incredulously. "After what that asshole did? I-" his voice broke off at the end.

"Alex, I'll be fine. It's taking some time but.... I think he got the message. I don't think he's going to try anything again. I'll actually have time to heal. So you don't need to wo-"

" _I left you with him!_ " Alexander broke in. He finally let some tears fall out.

 _Oh_. "Alexander Hamilton you will _not_ blame yourself for this! I will fucking punch you if you go down that road," John growled out.

"But-"

"No! That's fucking bullshit! _You_ didn't do this to me. You are in _no way_ responsible."

"Neither are you," he said quietly after a pause.

"What?"

"You acted like I shouldn't be around you, you know. I didn't understand it until now. I know you, John. You have a really bad habit of letting something like this make you feel unworthy of others. You're not. It's not your fault either."

John opened his mouth to respond but shut it again when he couldn't think of anything to say. Somehow, despite how strongly he had felt about it, he felt that feeling just drift away under Alexander's intense gaze. He found himself believing it for the first time since it happened.

 _How are you so amazing all the time?_ John though with a spark of longing.

"Okay," John whispered.

They sat like that for the rest of the night, talking quietly about whatever until they were to tired to continue. And as cheesy as it may sound, it was the most relaxed John had been since this whole hurricane had started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will eventually be romantic stuff and all that. Like, them getting together. But it's going to take a bit. John needs to heal a little and all that stuff.


	11. Hope and Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is the end of this book. I'm not sure if I'm going to do a sequel or mirror fic yet but we'll see. Also, there is mild smut in this chapter. I'm sorry if it's terrible because I'm not the most experienced at writing this stuff.

Two months passed and John was slowly getting better. At first, he was still struggling immensely with his night terrors and paranoia. He wasn't entirely sure George was really going to stop, despite what he'd said to everyone else. But it became apparent that George had gotten the hint. So John felt himself beginning to relax.

They were getting close to the end of the semester so there was also that going for him. Well that and, somehow, he was starting to really hope again. It was mostly Alexander's fault, even if it wasn't intentional.

It started out with the little things. Alex had been very insistent on taking care of John through everything which wasn't a surprise in itself. But there were other things that weren't as expected that he started doing. Things like taking him to see his favorite movie ever even though John knew he wasn't interested in it himself. The care Alex showed was gentle of course but something else seemed to drive it other than the whole painful ordeal.

Things started getting even more confusing as Alexander began doing even more. At one point, he even bought John a bouquet of bellflowers and gardenias which happened to be John's favorites. He wasn't sure if Alex knew the meaning behind them though because they were sort of directed at him.

Eliza saw the flowers yesterday and just gave John this look as though she knows something he doesn't. Which was just terrific because he was confused as hell and was afraid of reading too much into something and screwing everything up.

\-------------------------

"Hey John?"

"Hm?" John looked up from where he sat on his bed at Alexander.

"I'm bored," Alex whined.

John rolled his eyes. "We have to study, Alex. Finals are coming up."

"But I don't feel like it."

John eyed him with bewilderment. "Since when? You always study."

"Yeah, well, I want to go out and do something."

The curly haired man looked at him as though he'd lost his mind. Which he might have. This was the first time in both of his lives he had heard of Alexander Hamilton wanting to put off working to do something fun.

"You? Take a break? You're joking."

"Hey, I'm trying to be a little different you know. Me not taking a break got me into a lot of messes. Besides, the nation's future no longer rests on my shoulders. I can take a little time to relax for once," the Caribbean man smiled a little, poking John in the side.

John huffed out a sigh and closed his book. "Okay. What do you want to do?"

Alex's smile morphed into a grin. "Go get dressed."

\---------------------------

It's official. John had no clue what to think anymore. Alexander had him dress nicer than usual and now here they were at one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

As they got to their seats, John stared around at his surroundings in awe. He wasn't a stranger to big and fancy. However, this place was so much better than anything he had been to. While it was fancy, it also had a kind of comfortable quality that John couldn't quite place. There was art everywhere. And the best part: it was also part aquarium. And they were sitting right next to a bunch of turtles.

"Holy shit," he breathed out.

"You like it?" Alex asked. He seemed a little nervous and John, for the life of him, couldn't figure out why.

"Like it? Alex, seriously? This is- wow. You didn't have to do something so big."

"I know that. But I really wanted to. It's been a while since we've done something like this."

"Yeah," John felt so warm all of a sudden as Alexander looked at him, his eyes holding something that John couldn't quite read.

The waitress came by to get their order of drinks and then food. They talked about any and everything under the sun. It was the most comfortable John had felt since before Alex had gotten married in their past life.

Their conversation came to a lull once their food got there and John groaned at how the food tasted, overwhelmed by the flavors. He noticed something flash in Alexander's eyes but it was gone as quickly as it came.

When they were done they began the trek back to the car, content and warm from the food. Alexander brushed his hand lightly against John's. It could have been taken as an accident but John took it without thinking anyway. When he realized what he'd done he glanced at Alex nervously only to see a small smile spread on his face and he gripped John's hand tighter in his.

The warmth in John's chest seemed to increase and he could feel the mild blush making its way onto his cheeks.

As he lay in bed, he could still feel his heart racing from the contact, his hand tingling where Alexander had held it.

"Good night, John," Alexander called softly across the room.

"Good night, Alexander," John responded just as quietly, "and thank you." Then he felt himself drifting off to sleep.

\-------------------------

After that, things seemed different. He'd constantly feel Alex's eyes on him and likewise, his eyes just couldn't stay away from Alex. This wasn't that unusual to John except, Alexander's face would sometimes turn a light shade of pink anytime he noticed John catching him watching him. On top of that was the electricity that would shoot through him at the slightest brush of fingers and sometimes he could swear Alexander felt it to in the slightest jump he would make.

The tension was really starting to get to him at least. Numerous times he found himself really close to just pulling Alex into a heated kiss. He wanted to feel his lips against his own again. At one point, he almost did. But, luckily, he was interrupted by someone coughing behind him to get his attention. They were in the hallway having just got out of class. He turned around and recognized the guy with the buzz cut from earlier.

"Hello. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Aaron said with a small, knowing smile.

John felt heat rise to his cheeks. "Uh no, not really."

Oddly enough, Alexander looked irritated. Whether it was because he didn't like this guy or what, he didn't know.

"I was hoping we could talk."

"Uh, yeah. Okay sure. Do you want to go to the cafe with us?" Job asked warmly.

Alex grunted a little in annoyance. Aaron and John both looked at him in confusion.

"It's fine. I don't really care. But everyone else is going to be there so," Alex looked at Aaron, seeming to calculate whether bringing him along would be good idea.

"Ah, I'm not sure that's a good idea," Aaron looked a little uncomfortable at the idea.

"So, then what did you need to talk about?" Alex questioned.

For the first time, Aaron seemed a little unsure of himself. "Um, are you- are you a reincarnate?"

John straightened a little. That's definitely an odd question. Alex looked at the guy more closely. "Why?" He asked warily. "Who's asking?"

"I knew it," the guy mumbled. Job supposed it wasn't meant to be heard but he caught it anyway.

"Who are you, then?" John asked. "I used to be John Laurens."

He could tell that this guy was defiantly a reincarnate. And as he was asking, his mind pieced it together. _Oh_.

"......Burr," Aaron Burr breathed deeply, "I was Burr."

Alexander's reaction was almost instant. His jaw dropped and his eyebrows rose. John clenched his fists. This guy had killed him.

Burr seemed to notice this and took a step back. "I just wanted to say I was sorry. I-" his voice broke. "I never got over my mistake. I'm not expecting forgiveness but I just had to say it. You deserved so much more." And with that he began to walk away.

"Burr!" Alex called out to him and he stopped and turned slightly.

"Smile more, okay?" And he grinned.

Burr let out a shocked laugh. "Yeah, Alexander. I'll keep that in mind." And he was gone, seemingly in a better mood.

\-------------------------

"Wow. So that was Aaron Burr, huh? I should have known," Eliza was shaking her head.

"I can't believe you just forgave him like that. That asshole shot you!" Herc was pretty frustrated, a small change in his usual demeanor. He had been a little less calm lately after everything that happened. John had eventually told everyone what had been going on, knowing he could trust them. The were all pretty livid.

"Yeah, but he obviously regretted it. He fell off the deep end afterwards."

Hercules let out an irritable huff but didn't say anything else.

"So...." Eliza started, a mischievous glint in her eyes, "how was your date?" She was looking at John and Alexander.

"Date? What date?" Lafayette perked up.

"We didn't go on a date! What the hell Eliza?" John felt his face heat up all over again. Was she talking about that aquarium restaurant thing?

Alexander laughed lightly, albeit a little nervously. "There wasn't a date, a  
Eliza."

"You're kidding, right? A fancy restaurant, flowers, movies. Pretty sure you two have been on multiple," her grin spread as she spoke.

Lafayette was looking between the two such an intense interest. "Oh really? Who finally made the first move?"

"Wha- no one made any moves!" Alex was blushing furiously at this point. Hercules and Valerie both just had these small, knowing smirks on their faces.

"Suuuure," Valerie drawled.

"You know what? It's like, two in the morning. You guys should go to your own rooms so the rest of we can get sleep at least," John hastily tried to change the subject.

"It's only eleven, John," Eliza rolled her eyes.

"Well, I need sleep anyways!"

"Fine, fine," she grinned and put her hands up in surrender. Everyone started to get up and head to the door except the two blushing men.

Of course, they couldn't leave it at that though. Just before they stepped out of the door, Lafayette turned and winked at them saying, "don't have too much fun, lovebirds," and closing the door behind them leaving them both sputtering with embarrassment.

"Did they really just-" Alex groaned.

"Yep. It's official. They hate us," John responded in the same manner. And flopped down on his bed.

It was silent for so long, John thought Alexander was actually asleep. But then he spoke up, "hey John?"

"Yeah?"

"What if-" he cut himself off.

"What is it?" John leaned up on his elbows to look at the usually talkative guy.

"I, uh, well," Alex breathed deeply, trying to collect himself, "what if we were to consider it a date?"

"What?" John asked, shocked. Did he really just ask that?

"You know what, never mind. I'm just being weird and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I probably just need some sleep."

John was sitting up now, staring at Alex who's back was turned to him.

"I wouldn't mind it," he whispered.

It was so soft he doubted it was possible for Alex to have heard it so when the Caribbean man got up and walked over to him, he wasn't sure what to expect.

"You wouldn't?" There was an odd light in Alexander's eyes that had John's heart racing.

"I would actually like that," John found himself saying before he could even process what was coming out of his mouth.

And then Alex's lips were pushed against his and they were moving and John's were moving with them and there was warmth and electricity running through him. All the tension that had seemed to have been building between the two was being released into this kiss.

John felt Alexander's tongue brush against his lower lip and then a light nip and he gasped. Alex took that as an okay and his tongue delved into John's mouth. A moan rose up in the back of his throat at the sensation and he pulled Alex's closer, entwining his fingers in his silky hair.

In seconds Alex was straddling him and pushing him down, the kiss getting more and more heated, neither of them wanting to come up for breath but having to because, unfortunately, oxygen was something they kind of needed. When they broke away they stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds, panting for air. Alex grinned and then pushed his face into John's neck, nuzzling him and then pressing soft kisses along his jawline.

"Two lifetimes. That's how long it took us to get here, how long I had to wait. God, I've wanted to kiss you since day one," Alex groaned and pushed his hips down onto John's. John gasped at the sensation, pleasure shooting through his spine from the friction.

"Really? Me too," John whispered. He leaned up and kissed Alex again and began pushing his hips into his wanting _more, more, more_.

After that, they found it hard to speak, panting with pleasure and desire, rocking against each other. Alex ran his hands under John's shirt, loving the feel of his skin beneath his fingertips. John was tugging at Alex's shirt, wanting it off. He obliged and began taking John's off too.

"You're beautiful," he groaned out as he pushed his hips into John's a little harder. And he was. John's hair was a halo of curls around his face. His skin was flushed which somehow made the already incredible expanse of freckles on his skin all the more mesmerizing. His eyes were half lidded in ecstasy and the sounds emanating from his lips were driving Alex wild. Suddenly, he wanted _more_ than that. He wanted to try something new.

He stopped rocking and got up. John let out a whine, unhappy at the loss of friction. But then Alex was kneeling in front of him, slowly slipping his hands under the waistband of his underwear. "If I'm going too far or too fast, tell me. There's just something I really want to do, if that's okay," Alex's voice was thick with want and John wanted nothing more than to indulge him so he nodded.

Alexander pulled his underwear down and John helped by lifting his legs a little so he could get them off. Alex began peppering the head with kisses and John shivered at the sensation. Then he felt warmth envelope him as Alex took his dick into his mouth and he gasped, his back arching off the bed. Alex found a rhythm and began sucking him, dragging him closer and closer to release. "Oh god, ale- Alexander, fuck!" He was trembling and he could feel the heat spiraling through him and the pleasure started taking over everything. "Alex, shit I'm," he put his hand on Alex's head in warning, unable to say anything else. Alex either didn't get the message or didn't care because he didn't pull away. John felt his vision blur and he let out a low moan as he came.

Alex pulled off of him and fucking swallowed. _Holy shit_. He groaned and John felt heat rush through him at the sound. That should be illegal.

John took a few seconds to breath and then sat up. Now it was Alex's turn. Within seconds, John had Alexander's cock in his hand and was stroking it, relishing in the pants and moans that came from his partner. Before he knew it Alex was cumming, arching into him with a whine of ecstasy.

After cleaning up, they curled up in Alex's bed.

"So," John smiled warmly.

Alex grinned. "I think we just confessed our undying love for each other and made out."

John laughed, "so much for not having too much fun like Laf said."

"It could get so much better."

"This is perfect," John sighed and took Alexander's hand in his.

The content expression that Alex had on his face said he felt the same way.

"I'm just glad we got a second chance. You know, at life, and at each other. We misse out on so much," Alex sighed.

"Yeah. Here's to second chances." And John fell asleep curled up beside the love of his two lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really feel like this could have been better so if anyone has any constructive criticism that would be great! Thank you guys so much for sticking with me. You guys have been the best!


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